It's back. -
08-22-2012, 08:14 PM
For years now I have been riding high in the remission of my depression. It's like cancer though. You are never really out of the shadow. You always wonder if it is going to come back. And like cancer, I've had a recurrence of my depression.
I started noticing the symptoms a few weeks ago. The lack of appetite, the craving of sugar. the sleeplessness and feeling disconnected from everyone around me. I lost 12 pounds in 6 weeks! I didn't even realize I was losing weight until I checked the scale on a whim! I don't even CARE about my weight, but that much weight loss in so little time is NOT good for me. The problem is, I CAN'T fall apart. I have a 17 month old son to take care of. But I don't know what to do anymore. I spanked him today. Out of anger towards his behavior. I stopped myself and told myself that I can't do that anymore. I can't hit him. How can I teach him not to hit others if I spank him and smack his hands when he misbehaves? I was spanked as a child. It's all I know. The only discipline I EVER got as a child were spankings, Tabasco sauce on the tongue, or lectures. And he's too little for lectures (I will NEVER use food as a punishment. My sense of taste is scarred for life because of the capsicum in the hot sauce).
I mean, how to you discipline a baby? Time outs? He just gets up and walks away. He doesn't watch TV, with-holding desert doesn't make a difference because he never gets any to begin with. He completely ignores shouting. And I don't want to spank him. I hated spankings as a child. It sets a double standard. It's NOT okay for a child to hit someone, but it's OKAY for an adult to hit a child (for hitting no less!)? That's hypocritical bull crap.
I CANNOT become my parents. Part of the reason I suck so much as it is, is because of my parents. And their lack of parenting skills in certain areas.
I no longer want to feel justified about my emotions. I want to understand where the feelings come from and how I can fix it. When I was younger, I wanted a therapist to listen to me, then turn to my parents and tell them that I WAS right. That it was their fault. That I wasn't crazy and they should stop treating me like a freak.
Now I just want to not be depressed anymore. My son deserves a mother who is able to smile, to play with him, who can take him places and who feels up to cooking. I want to be involved in my son's life, not sitting on the sidelines because I feel like a worthless pile of trash.
A few days ago, I said something that, now, tells me exactly how bad it is: "I'm the kind of person no one bothers giving a second look." On the surface, I know this is not true. But deep down inside, this phrase is ingrained in my soul.
I called the mental health hotline number on the back of my medical insurance card tonight. They did a "safety assessment" (I'm assuming to make sure that I'm not a risk for suicide or committing homicide) and marked my case as "Urgent," meaning someone will call me back by noon tomorrow. I tried looking up a psychologist on my insurance website, and it said the closest one was over 250 miles away (which is a TOTAL LIE). Hopefully, they will call me back with a name of a therapist near by.
It's funny. I have a Bachelor's in Psychology. That just means I recognized my symptoms before it got really bad and they had to hospitalize me again.
--Is there really an answer to all these questions? And why do my doctors treat me like a liar?