I have no future. So I have been told today. Maybe not in so many words but the message was clear.
I am halfway through my course at college but to go on to a more advanced one would be professional suicide because no one will take me on if I don't have on the job training to back it up. The only way I can do that is through a traineeship. I'm not capable of working full time in the next two years and the minimum hours I could do as a trainee would be 21. If I go over 15 hours per week I lose my pension. 21 hours at trainee pay rate IS NOT enough to survive. I'm 27 yo and not some kind of mummy's boy living with his parents. I would have to starve. Not only that but I would have to pay full price for medications, vehicle registrations, doctor visits and so on. I would be financially even more ****ed up than I am now. And I cannot use the skills I already have because I can't cope with the stress in those industries let alone being treated like a piece of **** and being able to be fired for nothing. I can't stand the idea of being retired at 27. We struggle like ****ing hell to pay the bills and rent every fortnight because of the lousy pay from the pension. I have no intention of living like this forever, it just isn't worth it. When I found out about this I wanted to kill myself so badly. I will not be missed. Every dumb ass red neck hick inbred son of a whore in this ****ty town looks at me as some kind of bludger who is too lazy to work which couldn't be further from the truth. It would be even worse in the city because the rent would be sky high and I would be forced to live on the streets. I will kill myself before it comes to that.
So I effectively will never work again and I'm only 27 years old. I will be forced to live praying that I will have enough money next fortnight to put food on the table. Thanks to the mother****ing beurocrats at centrelink I already am losing weight because I can't afford to eat properly. Lets face it, canned soup and toast isn't a substaintial diet but it's all I can afford after the rent and bills are paid. I would rather die right now than live through a lifetime of this. I have been thinking about ways to do it and I don't know if I can find anything worth staying for. I'm holding back my wife who could do so much better without me. She has made so many sacrifices to look after me but it's really being wasted on a lost cause. I'm not going to be putting her through this forever. I should be providing for her. We should be able to have a family and not have to worry about starving and having our electricity cut off or being evicted. It would all be better for her, everyone else and myself if I wasn't here.
I don't know how long I can hold on. It's just completely hopeless and a life that really isn't worth living. I'm so unsafe right now and threw away the last six weeks or so because I've been cutting again. The sad part is that it isn't really working for me anymore......everything just seems too hopeless.