[MiCrumble]

I never thought about it, I guess I was in denial?

Then last night, it hit me.

I've had a sexual relationship with just about everyone I know =/

I've had phone sex with 4 people on my top friends list on myspace I feel disgusted in myself. This is awful.

I'm 15. Young I know.... The scariest thing happened a few weeks ago, and I think thats why I'm starting to realise I have a problem. I met this guy off the net...

I'm going to be completely truthful here. No sugar coating.

He's 35. Has a bald patch and chews tabacco. Omg. Thats disgusting. I stuck around for a WEEK, begging him to have sex with me (We met in person, obviously) Maybe I needed the Validation? But it happened and now I feel so gross. I feel dirty.

Thats not all... Trust me thats not all. I don't even like the sex. I just do it to please them. I just want someone to be happy with me.

I'm so scared Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Hell, I lost my virginity when I was 12 to someone I didn't even know, I didn't even know how old he was !

I still haven't gotten over that. I feel so used. Gross... I like sex in general. But this is WAYYY too much. WAYYY too far.

I can't take back what i've done. I cant do anything. I hate myself for it. I can't forgive myself. I'm so disgusting.

[CastYouOut]

you can't do anything to the past. but u can truthfully tell yourself that you do not want to be used anymore. and tht this life is not wat u want.

be strong.

xo

[Argh!]

question:
did you use protection in all those sexual encounters that you had?
i hope you did, coz if you didn't -
i strongly suggest that you have your blood tested for any possible contracted disease,
STD or otherwise.
i pray that everything comes out negative and that you are healthy and spared of any threatening or contagious disease.

hon, i think you should seek treatment.
you had sex at such an early age.
however you had it (willingly or not)...
the fact remains that you were very very young then - and still is.

you are only 15 and shouldn't be engaging in sex yet.
and the frequency of your sexual encounters with random people is very alarming -
even for an adult way past your age.

another question:
where are your parents?
i hope you'd say they are busy and always away.
coz if you say they're just there and yet are clueless of what's happening to you...
man - i'd be extremely disappointed and upset.

sex is something to be shared by couples who have deep feelings/attraction for each other.
happiness and fulfillment should be felt by both...
likewise the desire to make each other happy should be mutual.

but of course -
prostitution is entirely a different matter.
that's business.

and what you're doing does not fall on either of these 2.
you're not enjoying these acts...
you're not doing this for financial gains.

go seek professional help. it's not too late.
you are too young and you have a future to look forward to.

[r!ot,,]

you shud jus take a step back and think wtf am i doing to myself
really by doing this to yourself u aint satisyfing them in a good way (how u want to)
ur satisfyin them in a way in which they think oh shes a whore whenever im up for it she will be to
trust me u dnt wana bad name for urself b4 ur even old enough its pointless it can ruin ur life.

just think about what your doing and tbh its good that u realised now rather than later =]
i lost my virginity when i ws 15 but i really REALLY loved the boy. so i don't fee;l disgusted or dissapointed in myself although i was underage.. nieher should you though u made a mistake

everybody does =]

keep ur head up! <3

xx

[MiCrumble]

Originally Posted by Argh!

question:
did you use protection in all those sexual encounters that you had?
i hope you did, coz if you didn't -
i strongly suggest that you have your blood tested for any possible contracted disease,
STD or otherwise.
i pray that everything comes out negative and that you are healthy and spared of any threatening or contagious disease.

hon, i think you should seek treatment.
you had sex at such an early age.
however you had it (willingly or not)...
the fact remains that you were very very young then - and still is.

you are only 15 and shouldn't be engaging in sex yet.
and the frequency of your sexual encounters with random people is very alarming -
even for an adult way past your age.

another question:
where are your parents?
i hope you'd say they are busy and always away.
coz if you say they're just there and yet are clueless of what's happening to you...
man - i'd be extremely disappointed and upset.

sex is something to be shared by couples who have deep feelings/attraction for each other.
happiness and fulfillment should be felt by both...
likewise the desire to make each other happy should be mutual.

but of course -
prostitution is entirely a different matter.
that's business.

and what you're doing does not fall on either of these 2.
you're not enjoying these acts...
you're not doing this for financial gains.

go seek professional help. it's not too late.
you are too young and you have a future to look forward to.

Ok, so to answer your questions... Yes. Protection was used MOST of the time. When it wasn't... I was in a long term relationship... So yeh, made sure we were both clean before hand. I get tested on Thursday anyway.

I know I need help now. I've promised myself that when I see a doctor on Thursday i will face my fears and tell him everything. The depression. The insomnia. The lot.

I don't entirely agree with you... My parents are around, my mum was aware that i was sleeping with my ex (who I was with for a year) and she let us, there was no real point in trying to stop us... It was going to happen anyway.

When i come out of a long term relationship I tend to go a little crazy... I remember watching this biography about this famous porn star... She was gang raped when she was young, and thats why she became so sexually active? I'm not exactly sure how it works...

But i'm basically hypersexual... I'll do it, regardless of whether i enjoy it or not. Maybe I have bi polar? I'll know soon enough...

[packerfan5429]

Now when i grow up i want to be a physcritrist to help people with problems like abuse, acholsim, and self esstem. Im went through all 3 but only one i have a problem with now.... can you guess. Its self esteem. But you have to talk to me if you want with your problem to helped with. Trust me its ok to talk to me. Your not the only one with problems. I need for you to describe your home life to me. Can you write in a letter because i always lose the fourms.

[hopelesshopefull]

oh, 15, that is young. Of course I shouldn't talk, I'm only 16. But if you asked my opinion I would say you are much too young to ingage in sexual activity. Especially with a man, whom is MUCH older than yourself. Also by the way I would like to point out that that is illegal (well I know it is in the states...) and if your parents do find out they can get the man arrested.
I say that you should talk to your mom about his, it will probably be very awkward, and she may get upest, but in the end, because she loves you, she will want to do anything in her power to help you.

It seems to me that if you continue down this path you will get hurt, and that scares me. You have your whole life ahead of you, but if you continue to have sex with much older men (unprotected or not) whom you meet on the internet, you may (most likely...) get hurt. You may get forced into doing things (rape), or worse, you may get killed.
There are sick freaks on the internet, just awaiting young people like you to take advantage of.
I don't want you to get hurt. So I say, talk to your mom or an adult whose willing to help you, whether it be an older sibling, a therapist, your doctor, or your mother, ask for their advice and tell them what you wrote on here. Most likely they will help.

I hope that you don't do anyting else you regret,
and please, never say you hate yourself.

[MiCrumble]

Today I saw my doctor, had to pee in a cup, get blood taken... Won't know the results for a while...

I told him about everything (which was really hard)... Only for him to tell me he thinks I'm only going through the "normal" teenage stuff.... I don't know what to say. I didn't tell him EVERYTHING... Maybe I just didn't "perform" to his standard? Like I didn't cry or anything... Or show any emotion...

He didn't give me any kind of script. Nothing for my insomnia. What the f**k?

Gawd, I've even failed at getting a diagnosis

[Puffshkin]

Methinks you need to get a new doc.

What an ASSHOLE!
*Damns ****ty doctor*

He doesn't seem to know his ass from his elbow

And what the hell is "normal" teenage stuff? xDD

Can you perhaps talk with your mum? Tell her you need help? xx

((**hugs**))


Puff xx

[MiCrumble]

I don't live with my mum, and i know what she would say - exactly the same as the doctor !

Today I found what I believe to be the core of my sexual problems in the form of a myspace page... The guy i lost my virginity to when i was 12, he's now 20 something... Scary. You'd think he's just a normal guy... You'd never think that he'd ever have sex with a 12 year old.. Its a funny world.

I have sent him an email though i doubt he remembers me... We'll see what happens. If he doesn't reply i'm not going to get too choked up about it. Just would be nice to feel some form of closure.

[Puffshkin]

What did you say? Not being nosey, but I mean..

Ohh never mind.

Your mum could be understanding, you never know.
If she does, that would make things so much easier. xx

Puff xx

[MiCrumble]

I'm freaking out right now... There's this website I used to be on... I basically advertised myself for sex. And now I can't remove the post, and everyone's sending me abusive comments

I've emailed the site mods, I really hope it gets removed, I'm seriously panicing. May have to change my email address - AGAIN.

Someone help meeee. I'm trying to tell myself that everything's going to be okay, but its not.

Puff, My mum lives on the other side of the country so there's not much that she can do anyway. I've agreed to see a mental health worker that visits here regularly, maybe she'll have a different opinion of me?

Man I feel sick... I am sick. I feel like a common prostitute... I actually had a few guys offer me money for a webcam show... ARGH. I have to calm down.