I used to be of the school of thought that an eating disorder was a conscious decision made by someone wanting to be thin. Of course I had heard of it being to do with control but I thought this was the mental health sector overanalysing again. I used to joke about trying to catch anorexia.
Now I'm 20, I'm at university and I've had some emotionally trying times. I don't enjoy my degree, I'm struggling with my feelings in a relationship and my extra-curricular activities have fallen apart. Last night it seemed logical to throw up my dinner, without realising I put into place all of those measures that make it a secret. I flushed the toilet whilst I stuck my hand down my throat and I brushed my teeth when I'd finished. I wasn't shocked by the unglamourousness of the affair, as my sobs and gags became one and my tears mingled with the vomit running down my arm. Today my throat is sore and my sternum hurts from resting on the toilet. Clearly this isn't the first time and I have realised I have not had a healthy relationship with eating for some time now.
It really isn't to do with being thin, I enjoy the control. Feeling hungry puts me on a high.
And yet I don't do it often so I don't think it's a problem. It's counter intuitive. I want to tell someone but if anyone knew I'd be mortified.
You never really realize the extent of the problem.
You'll probably fit right in here.
That's good, because you'll have people that understand you.
Bad, because, lets face it, its a problem.
Sorry if I sound pessimistic, having a bad day.
I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense..
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless..
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect, and I have learned to accept all my problems and short comings,
Because I am so visceral, yet deeply inept..
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.
If your thowing up after your dinner then you do have a problem, However, it sounds like this is the first time youve done that? If so STOP NOW! Its as addictive as heroin. Its great that you know where the problem lies- you feel lack of control. So take control over your life by being healthy by doing the extra activities maybe start a group of your own maybe put together a timetable for yourself for your dday so you feel you have control over what your doing.
Messing up your eating habits does not give you control- you loose all your control, self-worth, whatever used to make you happy to the Eating Disorder.
and you're surrounded by the lives
of those who found something to hold
so bringing everybody down
is all you know
you've been hiding so long
you can't find yourself
in this sheltered life you live
when everything you want is at your fingertips
you'll never know what need is
I miss the person that you were
but I don't miss you