05-14-2008, 04:12 PM
So I've realised I might be "one of them".
I used to be of the school of thought that an eating disorder was a conscious decision made by someone wanting to be thin. Of course I had heard of it being to do with control but I thought this was the mental health sector overanalysing again. I used to joke about trying to catch anorexia.
Now I'm 20, I'm at university and I've had some emotionally trying times. I don't enjoy my degree, I'm struggling with my feelings in a relationship and my extra-curricular activities have fallen apart. Last night it seemed logical to throw up my dinner, without realising I put into place all of those measures that make it a secret. I flushed the toilet whilst I stuck my hand down my throat and I brushed my teeth when I'd finished. I wasn't shocked by the unglamourousness of the affair, as my sobs and gags became one and my tears mingled with the vomit running down my arm. Today my throat is sore and my sternum hurts from resting on the toilet. Clearly this isn't the first time and I have realised I have not had a healthy relationship with eating for some time now.
It really isn't to do with being thin, I enjoy the control. Feeling hungry puts me on a high.
And yet I don't do it often so I don't think it's a problem. It's counter intuitive. I want to tell someone but if anyone knew I'd be mortified.