[kirili]

I used to think that if I try, I'd be able to do it... now I just don't know. I don't know if I can pass these exams the way I want to, and I'd rather fail that find out I'm a mediocre wretch.

I'm hurting people by not trying and I'm crying and ****ing falling apart like the pathetic, fat fool I am...

If I worked, I'd be able to do it... I guess. but I can't make myself work. my concentration is shot. I just... stare at it and wonder why I don't know anything.

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The internet is the only ****ing respite I've got. I don't know how to be that person people who care about me want me to be. Everything about me is inadequate. The main thing wrong with all of this is me. I can't even just kill myself - it would hurt my family too much.

[Voltaire]

Hey I've been right there with you..
I mean I don't know where you live or anything but if you're in the US you probably know about the AP system here..well, I was so stressed about AP exams I kept just making myself forget things because of my nerves and everything. What I wanted the most was to come out with top scores, to get 5's and 4's on ever exam. I didn't get it on one. I was really upset with myself because I was the mediocre one. While my friends were pouting because they got all fives and one four I was wishing I could have their grades and lying saying mine hadn't arrived because I was ashamed of them.

My mom caught me crying after we had found out about my grades ont he AP test, and she talked with me about it. She told me, that it's not everything, and that when you get out 'in the real world' with a job and everything, they're not going to look to see if you got a 5 or a 3 they're going to look at other things like what degree you have, and how many years you spent in college and stuff like that. I still didn't feel better, and then my mom told me that regardless of how I do with testing, she knows I'm smart and that I retain information better than a lot of people do. Doesn't it suck how mother's can be right? Like the next day, (yes bad example) my friends and I went to see Harry Potter, and I was answering like all their questions about what happened. And they're like, "I didn't remember that, and I read it just a few weeks ago." Thing is, I read it like a year or more ago, lol.

Basically, what I'm trying to tell you in my massive ramble, is don't be so hard on yourself. So you might not be a good tester, I'm sure you have wonderful skills and things will turn out all right in the end of the day. Just do your best that you can, I'm sure you know things but you're just making yourself nervous.

You'll do great, and you're not mediocre, exam scores can't define you anyway.
Sorry if that didn't help, I'm here if you need anyone to talk with.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

[kirili]

It helped, honestly. thank you. There's really no need to read the following... I just haven't self-analysed enough and it just spilled. Thanks for taking a moment to help, I do apprieciate it.

... the thing is, I never succeed at anything. The school I'm in now, I got in because of dumb luck. All the weight I haven't lost, all the friends I haven't made, all the loneliness I feel. And all the tests I haven't studied for, all the grades I haven't gotten... when I try, I tend to be alright gradewise. But the IB is difficult and people work so hard, but they're happy. I'm not like them... I don't have the friends, the looks, the happiness, even though I have so much I'm just... so easily unsatiated. So ****ing selfish. I just wish I had some part of myself I could be proud of. But I'm the most successful faliure I know... I have so much, but I do so little, and ultimately I'm a waste of resources. So many people could move mountains with what I've had. But I'll probably lose it all and be revealed for what I am; a fat idiot who's worse than ignorant... I don't even try.

I... need to motivate myself. I need to. but there's nobody I can talk to... it feels like people who are "friends" don't like me, they must be just putting up with me or using me, and I don't trust them... and I can't move past this depression and OCD. I want to see a counsellor, but I don't want to tell my parents I feel depressed. There's a school counsellor, but I can't see them till August 19th, and by that time if I haven't worked I won't be able to catch up and get into a uni I want to get into.