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11-10-2003, 10:29 PM

Where to start? I don't want this to sound like a sob story and I also don't want to ramble on but I have a real long twisted story to tell. To sum it up for yall, I watched my mom die slowly and go through some changes for over 2 years, i was young and she was my bestfriend. i always thought that she was going to become better and get her ass back home, it never happened. My father was a mean bastard, working all day and night, drunk and out cheating on my mom. so we didn't get along or speak that much at all. I was a smart kid, good student but when she went into the hospitol I barely made it to school, I was sitting with her in the hospitol or i was at home cooking, cleaning and what not. Everyone knew my mom and loved the sh*t out of her so it was hard to go back to school because everyone knew something happened but they didn't know what or how bad it was, so the constant questions i couldn't deal with and i couldn't answer. so out came the tears and my mind set was gone. i couldn't eat or sleep or think, i cut school a lot just to get away and be by myself. i would also walk to the hospitol whenever i cut school too. anyway, i watched her rise and fall and rise and fall, then become mentally ill. i couldn't handle seeing my young gorgeous mom go through these stages. in the mean time, i got a job after school at this sub shop and arcade. i ran the place and worked alone so i got mixed up in an older crowd and not the good type. i went from making subs to slinging rocks. a big change for a 16 year old. my job at the arcade ended up being a drug ring. i would lock the doors and bust out the liquor and weed and everybody would play free pool and get the party started with the juke box it got to the point where i would let any of my friends run the joint while i went for rides to smoke. There was nothing like getting high in a nice car while the bass was banging off your back, i really felt the music, it sounded so much better while you was twisted. That's when it started, at first i was making enough money to support my habbit and to become noticed for having the best buys. I went from selling dimes to getting 20lbs of the sh*t fed ex'd to my apartment. I had no clue of what i was getting into or how much trouble i could've been in, living right next to a school. and i didn't give a sh*t either. i became untouchable had my lil' town locked, i loved every minute of it, of the power and how much control i had over people and the money whoa, i was making it for being a teenager. that's where drugs started taking me from a nice girl to a heartless violent uncontrollable convict. I tried to kill myself through drugs, i can not believe that i'm still alive and to be honest with you i'm still f**king upset about it. my attitude was i don't care about my life or myself and i didn't want to remember a goddamn thing so i got high and high and high, i was so out of character. i wasn't myself anymore, i believed that i was gonna be alive much longer so i wild out. had block parties, wrecked things, harmed people, took trips to dangerous cities to cop and i always started drama while i was there, just for spite, involved in some cases, ran with murderas and not once did i ever think about my mother. i couldn't and that's what i wanted. i wasn't the same girl that i was before and i left my real family and became a part of another one that i felt so greatful for being a part of at the time. anyway like i said i'm not writing a book but i went from alcohol to pills to weed to acid to coke to ex to wet to herione, i missed some other drugs in this story but this was the sh*t that i had an endless supply of and i used them all heavly and daily. i just couldn't get enough. i was so out of my mind that i don't even remember most of the things that i've done, i know i met and slept and partied and did crimes with a ton of people that know me but i have no clue who they are. i can't remember sh*t. but a couple of the things i do remember is testing driving a jeep getting smashed to all hell, racing running cars off the road, smashing full beer bottles through their windows, being chased, running , wrecking, running again on foot, going to court again and again, house raids, jumping out of buildings, robbing people, chaos at parties, businesses being shut down, court again and again, being arrested, more drugs, a murder, convicted of 11 felonies, on the run, house raids again, court again then prison, lock down for 6 months, fights, work release, more drugs, america's most wanted intervies, lock down again, finally grieving my mom's death and realizing all of the sh*t that went on in my life and hating myself because god didnt' take me when he should've. i should've been dead from the drugs and the alcohol or the drug fights i was in but he punished me more. now i'm strugglin' with addiction and guilt and finding a good job and making a good life for myself because now i care about what happens to me but i want to give up because it soo damn hard to make it the honest way especially when everyone does a background history and credit check. i f**ked up my life and i'll keep on paying for it. i even moved far from home to help better myself. i'm doing things that i hate doing, career wise and i can do so much better but things are still holding me back and herione is telling me to join him again. i miss that life style and sometimes i don't know which way to turn. i loved my lifestyle then because i was numb and now i'm forever stung...................
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