posted 03-18-2010 08:52 AM by
Life has been a strange roller coaster. I've been bawling and crying my eyes out about silly things like not being "good enough" for certain guilds on WoW or for Aileen to want to live with next year. Frankly, I'm tired of dealing with her bull****. Not sure if I'll allow her to be my friend anymore since she's pretty much given up the title through her actions this entire year.
Tonight I'm going to Tracks, which is a gay club in Denver, with the girls I met from the QWIC meeting. I'm really excited but also kind of nervous because I have never been to a club before and I have absolutely NO idea what to expect from it. Also, I mean event hough I adore these girls I don't know them particularly well. And the thought of me telling them I'm into guys too lingers over me. I mean I'm not trying to hide it but there really doesn't seem to be an appropriate time to bring it up.
I hung out with L yesterday. Which is actually a funny story because she kept saying (after she discovered we lived in the same apartment building) that she was gonna come down banging on my door asking for me, and I told her if she kept bringing it up I was gonna stop expecting it. But when I got back home yesterday Aileen informed me that someone came looking for me. So I asked if the person was black, and Aileen said yes so I was like "it's L!" Lol.
So I decided to write her a note pretty much saying that she had missed me and that I hoped that her midterms (she had had two earlier that day) had gone well. But when I got up there I heard her voice and it seemed like such cop out (I hadn't expected her to be home honestly), so instead I knocked.
I ended up meeting her room mate Elaine, who is actually a really sweet girl and they fed me both a brownie as well as a crepe (sp?) with nutella. After a while Elaine went to take a nap and L and I talked a bit before I suggested that as her stalker (running joke that we both are stalking each other) I better leave before this either gets more awkward or somehow acceptable (plus I wanted a nap). But L was like "That's a shame because I was just about to put in Lion King." And I was like "Omg, really?!" So we watched the Lion King together and joked about it, discussed it in deep philosophy and I even got her to sing along in some parts. And In I Just Can't Wait to be King on the "Standing in spotlight" part I ended up taking the lower harmony on a whim and L kept singing the higher one and afterwards she was just like "woah." I dunno it was just a cool moment..I always feel something when I sing harmonies to someone's melody and I guess she does too (when harmonies are sung to her melody [?]). But it was a cool moment.
I definitely think she's into me and I'm kind of into her, but I think it's just so soon. I hardly know her. I'd love to hang out with her more. She's such a sweet girl. And of course this strange guilt building about being bi and not just a lesbian is kind of eating at me whenever I think of the QWIC girls. I mean, I didn't lie to them...............and I do have those queer feelings. But I could just imagine them being disgusted with me or having the attitude of me needing to make up my mind, when really it's my heart that makes this so annoying.
There is probably another blog to come about my first night at a club (and a gay one at that) and just hanging out wit the girls.