posted 01-20-2010 09:35 PM by
Throughout the..(wow is it really 6?) six or so years I've came crawling to this website for advice, understanding, tough love and comfort-I have grown so close to some of you. FTI became my escape from the harsh world of reality where I was misunderstood, unworthy, and unappreciated. I separated my life in many ways. Here, I was the girl who could tell everyone anything, her sexuality, her greatest fear, her best not so pure memories, her soul-pretty much. In real life, I was that angel I was supposed to be. The catholic church choir girl who did everything her mom asked of her, and never talked about how it felt to be a bisexual. an eating disorder and abuse victim in a conservative city, with a conservative family, judgmental stares and lack of comfort.
Today I merged my worlds.
Or at least took some really big steps.
In a previous blog I mentioned my social problems professor (for lack of a better word since she's currently writing her thesis). Today, I went and I saw her. I kind of got a little nervous an hour before because the truth is, I don't want her to not believe me, or judge me, or think I just came to talk with her to suck up. Because none of those were my intentions and none of them would make me feel better.
I went and I sat down on a couch with her. And I told her so much. I told her that I am a bisexual. I have told a few friends in my life face to face, none of which are not straight, I told her that I was tired of hiding part of myself from my mom, because so often my mom tells me how I am her best friend and she loves that she can tell me anything, and I want to be able to feel that same love and acceptance from her. I also have an alterior motive of wanting to complete the transformation of her views. Back when I first discovered that I was bisexual, I distinctly remember her having a conversation with me about how she didn't think gays and bis had a choice, but how they should suffer a life of abstinence anyway as their cross to bear from God. I remember walking by her silently and her asking if I agree and all I was able to muster was a firm "no." And then finally a few months ago, I remember her talking about a lesbian couple from her work and how she did think they deserved the rights of any other person. The thing is, I still think internally she believes it to be...against God's will (my mom is -very- Catholic) and I am terrified that she will disown me, stop loving me, and stop paying for my college/supporting me (which I am extremely grateful for, btw).
As I was speaking with my social problems professor, I just remember feeling so relieved, like a gate that I had internally that had held all this pressure of my secrets just came flooding out and instead of being disgusted she was completely sympathetic (which I mean, seeing as she's bisexual-I wouldn't expect less, but all the same). She told me her story of coming out to her parents and how they still love her, but they seem to deny that it ever happened. She pointed me towards a lot of people who could not only get me involved in GBLT socieities and groups, but also towards counselors who are based on handling issues dealing with sexuality.
I ended up telling her even more than my sexuality. I mentioned how I had cut, had body issues, and been abused when I was little. She was very sympathic and didn't make me feel like she was judging me or just listening to be professional..I felt like she actually cared.
She still thinks I need to see someone and talk about -everything- because she thinks I've been bottling up all my other problems in a package with my sexuality in order to protect my family and our current life style and day day living.
I cried sitting on that couch with a woman who I enjoy and appreciate, but barely know...and yet, I know her so well. It felt strange to be so understood, especially in real life when I could see in her eyes that she wasn't just BSing to make me feel better.
I left her office hours (which is still the only office hours in my life I have ever gone to) with her wanting me to come back and update her on things, with resources to get involved with a community that will actually understand where I'm coming from and not be judgemental, and most of all, with a smile on my face.
I haven't felt this positive in a long time. I never knew exactly how much censoring myself constantly effected me. How tired and dead and ashamed it makes me feel when I don't allow myself to say, feel, or be simply who I really am.
I really hope that all of you on here find comfort every time you come to FTI, but more than that I hope you have an experience like I had today. Feeling that comfort from real life, from a beautiful person who could hug me as I cried and prove in her eyes she cared, was just powerful and moving.
I wish you all the best. I swear by the end of the next few months, I will come out to my mom.