posted 01-20-2010 09:35 PM by
Throughout the..(wow is it really 6?) six or so years I've came crawling to this website for advice, understanding, tough love and comfort-I have grown so close to some of you. FTI became my escape from the harsh world of reality where I was misunderstood, unworthy, and unappreciated. I separated my life in many ways. Here, I was the girl who could tell everyone anything, her sexuality, her greatest fear, her best not so pure memories, her soul-pretty much. In real life, I was that angel I was supposed to be. The catholic church choir girl who did everything her mom asked of her, and never talked about how it felt to be a bisexual. an eating disorder and abuse victim in a conservative city, with a conservative family, judgmental stares and lack of comfort.
Today I merged my worlds.
Or at least took some really big steps.
In a previous blog I mentioned my social problems professor (for lack of a better word since she's currently writing her thesis). Today, I went and I saw her. I kind of got a little nervous an hour before because the truth is, I don't want her to not believe me, or judge me, or think I just came to talk with her to suck up. Because none of those were my intentions and none of them would make me feel better.
I went and I sat down on a couch with her. And I told her so much. I told her that I am a bisexual. I have told a few friends in my life face to face, none of which are not straight, I told her that I was tired of hiding part of myself from my mom, because so often my mom tells me how I am her best friend and she loves that she can tell me anything, and I want to be able to feel that same love and acceptance from her. I also have an alterior motive of wanting to complete the transformation of her views. Back when I first discovered that I was bisexual, I distinctly remember her having a conversation with me about how she didn't think gays and bis had a choice, but how they should suffer a life of abstinence anyway as their cross to bear from God. I remember walking by her silently and her asking if I agree and all I was able to muster was a firm "no." And then finally a few months ago, I remember her talking about a lesbian couple from her work and how she did think they deserved the rights of any other person. The thing is, I still think internally she believes it to be...against God's will (my mom is -very- Catholic) and I am terrified that she will disown me, stop loving me, and stop paying for my college/supporting me (which I am extremely grateful for, btw).
As I was speaking with my social problems professor, I just remember feeling so relieved, like a gate that I had internally that had held all this pressure of my secrets just came flooding out and instead of being disgusted she was completely sympathetic (which I mean, seeing as she's bisexual-I wouldn't expect less, but all the same). She told me her story of coming out to her parents and how they still love her, but they seem to deny that it ever happened. She pointed me towards a lot of people who could not only get me involved in GBLT socieities and groups, but also towards counselors who are