posted 04-09-2009 09:44 AM by
So I don't even know if I can possibly write down all the details about what's been happening between me and Jake lately, namely because I've been trying to set them aside and forget, and not feel depressed etc.
I don't really know how this all started. There have been a few times in the past that he explained that he can't love me unconditionally and that he doesn't like the person I "become" when I'm in social situations (which is strange since he kissed me at my birthday party as our first kiss but whatever..). I would always cry then and he'd explain how he does love me despite that.
Well like a situation happened a few days ago when I had a swing competition on Saturday and Jake wanted to come up Friday afternoon/night and my friend Sammi (who I had been shaky with lately) invited me to a concert. I knew I had to disappoint someone and I always choose Jake first, I wanted to go to the concert, and I wanted to keep improving my friendship with Sammi. So I texted Jake and he was like "just do whatever will make you happy, I'm not going to throw a fit" so I was like, "all right, I guess I'll go to the concert." And I thought there was no harm or foul since I would be seeing Jake either that night or the entire next day.
Well then his texts turn nasty and he claims me of following the "chicks before dicks" stereotype (mind you this is the first time I've -ever- chosen my friends before him. I've not gone to so many events for him and he knows that). And then they get nastier and nastier and he wails on me for always trying to please others rather than myself and says how he hates-not dislikes-hates my social self. He just goes on and on and mentions how he's not sure if he can deal with that part of me and that maybe he doesn't love me anymore at all. So I had a swing practice at that time and I'm just bawling. I had to give Wini and Aileen a ride there and I could barely muster any self control to not break completely, and on the ride down they were the only reason I didn't crash my car on purpose.
But he just kept sending me these hateful texts and I just couldn't stop crying and everyone was freaking out. And the entire practice I was bawling. Eventually I just had to set my phone aside and pretend nothing was happening so I could even exist and I kept thinking of jumping off of the balcony...
Well, then I was driving Aileen home and she tells me she got a text from Jake telling her to tell me that he wants to talk with me. So the walk back to my dorm from my car I called him and he was completely different. He said he said all those things because he thought it would change me for the better and make me stronger. And I explained that when he did those things he destroyed me. I grabbed my leatherman (which I got for Christmas) and was going to carve myself, and he heard it in my voice and lack of response and told me he would match me cut for cut. So I didn't, because despite all that for some reason I still love him.
We talked for like ever, and he was crying, and I was crying. And finally, I thought we both realized that we loved each other and could work past anything. Oh, and I ended up telling Sammi I wouldn't go to the concert with her. And she hasn't spoken with me since.
Well, fast forwarding a bit to my swing competition (which went pretty well we got 4th place). The entire time Jake was there he was sitting in his chair with a blank expression on his face, his eyes angry. I grabbed his hands and danced with him but I could tell he wasn't enjoying my company at all. And after my team danced he couldn't tell me good job or anything. I had to text him while he was sitting a few feet away to get any words out of him and all he really said was he wanted to leave as soon as possible.
So after the results were announced I followed after him (had given him my dorm key) and when I entered my room he climbed into my bed and just sat there staring down at me (my bed is lofted). He told me how fake I am, just because I had performed and how everyone there was fake and how sitting there had been like sitting in hell. Mind you, he had told me our other night fight that he was looking forward to seeing this. This really hurt me because I have danced my entire life, it's like the only thing that I put my all into anymore and feel such strong passion about (and the other people who have seen my performance said they could just tell how much I loved it-but my boyfriend couldn't). We fought for hours and I curled up on the bed beside him and tried to get him to understand just how much I love it and he just lied there like stone. It just hurt me soo much.
My entire life, my mom has been married to a man who won't dance with her. And it breaks her heart. My dad wouldn't dance with my mom that night either, when the lessons were going on. And...I don't want to live like that. I want to have someone who enjoys my company always and who will dance with me and have a good time with me when we're alone or when others are around. I'm not a recluse..I need people to feel anything. And making someone smile from my performance is what I thrive off of.
And then the other day Jake and I were talking on the phone again and suddenly it's like he magically understood. I asked if he was saying that he had been wrong etc, because he was afraid of losing me. He said no. I said he should be afraid of losing me because I'm not sure if I can take this. he seemed so understanding and when I asked him about the change he kept bringing up, he told me he wanted to change.
Then the next day he was bitching about how hard it would be and how he didn't want it.
I have been so depressed lately. I have nothing else to offer because he keeps destroying it, and it KILLS me to know that despite his faults I love him, and that he only loves half of me-and it's the half of me that I like that he hates.
I just...don't know what to do. And I don't know if I can get over this.
I keep thinking about breaking up with him, not because I don't love him, but because he doesn't love me the same way. *sighs*