posted 04-16-2009 01:43 PM by
so i don't know if you will understand why i want to.
but i had this profile for a few years.
but i need a new start.
vermillion_rivers is just not it.
i created a new profile except i changed my mind about my screen name!
): so i'm going to delete the new one i made, and change it.
if anybody is interested in knowing what it is, message me.
i'm not deleting this one though, you know me.
can't never let things go.
i take time.
i think i'll keep going, update you this even though i'm not going to be on this profile.
well today i got my graduation stuff.
and i wanted to start crying because it's definitely hitting me now.
i'm finally leaving this school,
and my memories and failures, and everything.
): i hate saying good bye.
i'm too sensitive, i cry too much.
my eyes got all teary saying the words.
we're like 3 steps away from it.
7 weeks and i'm gone forever.
i don't know. i loved it, this was my year even though i hated the drama and the pain and failures continuously.
nothing seemed to work out for me but at the same time, everything was perfect.
soccer finally hit me too.
3 years, and i finally could claim it as my passion.
4 years, including one season of indoor soccer
and still ending in complete, usual failure.
i never scored one goal.
that defined my failure.
i can't even talk to people about that, i start crying.
but those seasons were always my highlight of the year.
i talk abotu soccer whenever i can and those girls.
last year i went to head a ball and accidentally headed a girl.
i sent her to the hospital with my hard head, and left her with a bump the size of a golf ball.
): i passed out for the first time in my life, and sort of had a seizure.
i got dizzy for real the first time.
i thought i was going to like, i don' tknow die.
and the first thing i did was make sure she was okay!
-.- i bought her candy too the next time i saw her with a card.
(: i felt badly. the girls were pretty mean about it too, basiclaly not caring she was going to the hospital.
but i was scared i really hurt her.
turns out she couldn't play for a few weeks becaus eof me.
and my aggresiveness bit me in the ass this season as well.
i bumped into a female on the rivals team, and with her horrible attitude (immaturity) she literally went completely out of her way to literally knock me to the ground.
i had to get pulled out because my coach was afraid that they would actually hurt me.
she apologized later though.
man and that freshmen year!
(: skippping 24/7, doing the stupidest things.
i loved it though.
late nights, midnight bus rides, random malls trips, lies, everything.
then sophomore year. lameeee.
junior year, same.
senior year, soccer was it all.
i spent my money on the girls whenever i had it.
i just loved the team.
i loved it all.
): unfortunately the best things have to end.
and i'm growing up.
i'm leaving everything i know.
everythign i love.
and i know i'm going to lose the dreams i have.
that's all i guess.
about that topic at the least.
i'm not sure what i'm doing with my life anymore.
this year became my worst, academically.
but whatever. i'm trying to get on track right now.
it's real hard though considering my horrible procrastination.
so i'm single. but thats sort of a touchy subject.
lol. but i can leave you knowing.
that .. i'm better now.
(: and i haven't cut myself in over a year, which is why i joined this website.
this is the only place i can be me.
i got out of a bad place.
out of a website that could have caused my problems to kill me.
i am not better.
but i am.
my mother came back.
she came back to leave me alone again.
she made me feel back to how i used ot.
and i know the only way i can heal is to lock her out.
but at the same time she is everything i want...
i think i'm going to send her and my brother a graduation invitiation.
they probably won't come.
but it would make me happy but i'd never admit that to her.
i wouldn't admit that i cry over and over when i think of her.
and how they couldn't say good bye.
when they could have done it.
i can't forgve somebody who runs away everytime.
i would try. if she could talk to me i would.
i want her to call me.
i want to see her.
i want her back.
): but i can't.
and it is just my fault.
i don't want to talk about this now so i'm going to finally end my "final" blog.
my PARTING WORDS:
thanks (: i'll see you on my new profile.
and i still pretend sometimes.
i drank to get rid of my hurt.
i ran away from it all.
i ****ed things up.
i'm getting ove rit.
i'm getting stronger.
i'm trying to get my life on track.
i'm mostly happy.
i can't be alone again. i get too sad.
and i try.
so thanks everybody.
see you then.