a new day

I can't sleep... then I can't wake up. I'm exhausted but I can never fall asleep until the early hours of the morning. I feel like I'm losing control. Every disapointment hammers me further down. I didn't drink last night... that was a big thing for me. I finished work at midnight, then took some sleeping tablets and waited for them to take effect. I doubt I'll make it through tonight; but one night is a start.

I don't know what to hope for anymore. I always wanted a good job, marriage and eventually kids. But now... well now I don't know. Why have all that? Why aim for all that? What would be the point of it all. I mean far to my of my life has been spent in pain; why would I want to put my own children though such a struggle? And a good job? I don't even know what that means anymore.

I'll keep living though each day. From one day to the next, but that's all it is. One day at a time with no hopes, no future. Just trudging though life gathering an evergrowing collection of painful memories.

Until very recently I hoped that I would feel happiness at least once more, so I could hold onto and savor the memory. Now even that hope has left. I'm not numb - there's still plenty of pain - but I feel only half alive. Unable to look beyond the day before me and unwilling to look back into the past. It takes all my energy to get through the now, and that's all I can do... get through the now.