a new day

I'm scared. I'm scared of what I am, who I am, what the future holds, how much longer I'll have to struggle through each day... the list goes on. I'm just scared.

My birthday is coming up in less than a month. It's always such a painful time for me. My father died on my birthday and every year since I struggle around this time of year. It's always hard but I'm terrified of it this year. I'm having such a hard time already. I don't know if I can deal with another knock.

I don't understand it. Even the simplist things, smallest jobs and easiest actions are too hard. Then I get stressed about them not being done so I put them off again. You would think posting a letter would be a simple action - but 2 weeks later I haven't managed it. It's just so stupid, I want to be better, I want to get through each and every day without dreading the day to follow... I'm exhausted!