a new day

Kill me, kill me now... this thought has been going through my head for days. I promised I would never harm myself again but all I want is for someone to do it for me.

I talked to zac yesterday for the first time in over half a year. To be honest I don't know how I feel about it, but I know that memories are easily revived. I contacted a support group about miscarriage the other day, to have c...

Tonight all I can think about is my baby, the little child that never saw the light of day. I still have that first pregnancy test in my cupboard. Those two little blue lines signaling the end of the life I know and the begining of someone elses life. I loved that child; I wasn't ready to meet them, but I was willing to give up all I know to make a life that they could be proud of. I don't know w...

I was driving along the highway today and a log truck was speeding in the opposite direction. For just a brief second all I wanted was to pull my wheel and steer into the trucks path. It's not that I want to kill myself; it's just that I want it all to end. I want to know when I fall asleep I won't have to wake up in the morning. I don't want to kill myself but neither do I want to have to keep o...

I feel like long ago I was shattered and up until now all the pieces have just been balancing in place. Now they are starting to fall away - leaving me not only broken but incomplete. I don't know how to gather the pieces or put them back together. I just want to give up - i want to stop pushing forward. Taking it one day at a time doesn't work. If I don't look forward I get behind and feel horri...

8 years ago my dad died
5 years ago developed an eating disorder
4 years ago I recognised I had clinical depression
3.5 years ago I met the man I was to fall in love with
5 months ago I broke up with the man I was in love with

Now all I want is to say is that in 1 month, 1 day or even 1 hour I will die. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to deal anymore. I don't want to add to the...

I can't sleep... then I can't wake up. I'm exhausted but I can never fall asleep until the early hours of the morning. I feel like I'm losing control. Every disapointment hammers me further down. I didn't drink last night... that was a big thing for me. I finished work at midnight, then took some sleeping tablets and waited for them to take effect. I doubt I'll make it through tonight; but one ni...

I'm scared. I'm scared of what I am, who I am, what the future holds, how much longer I'll have to struggle through each day... the list goes on. I'm just scared.

My birthday is coming up in less than a month. It's always such a painful time for me. My father died on my birthday and every year since I struggle around this time of year. It's always hard but I'm terrified of it this year. I'm h...

I had a catwalk show today, just underwear so not to much effort but it always stresses me. I think about how I look, what I wear etc etc. I didn't eat all day and was light headed by the time I had my first run.

I don't know what to do with myself. I went out on Friday night; drank a bit, smoked a bit. I was wasted. I ended up semi passing out in the bathrooms. It took two bouncers to help m...

I don't know; I just don't know. I don't trust what I feel or what my memories hold. I don't trust the motives of the people I know and I don't trust the impressions I make of the people I meet. I don't know what I want or if I have the strength to achieve the goals I've set.

Since travelling around Asia I've been filled with the need to do something useful with my life... maybe work in a Camb...

To my beautiful Zac,

How are you? I wish I could ask you, more than that I wish I didn't have to. I want to go back to the days when we spent everyday together and I missed you from the moment I walked out the door. On the days that you would pick me up from work I counted the hours until I would walk down those stairs and see you there. I never really told you how much I loved you. I was afra...