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the real me

Creation Date: 04-08-2008 01:47 PM

my place to write things I can't even tell my friends

2 months and 7 days

The amount of time I didn't cut.
I'm amazed how fast time has gone..
I still get triggers but they have no grip on me, at least not like they used to.

Something on the news today triggered me though (didn't make me do anything) I went completely rigid and was quite shocked/hardly breathing when I heard that over here people are being locked up in prison just because we don't have enough heal...

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o.o

I passed my exams o.o
It's official..
I can go to uni..
I'm free to do what ever I want..

Even better, the dutch are winning =D
netherlands-Italy 3-0
netherlands-France 4-1

Does it get any better than this? =D
All my friends passed there exams, as did I o.o (it still needs time to sink in ^^
What's more to want? =3

The only thing I want now is my kat-tun cd and something hugab...

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back from vacation

I'm back =3
Still cut free..
The vacation was great, lots of weird class mates being totally random
Only had one small triger (or two) one of the guys from school was waving a pocket knife in front of him so I was a bit messed up about it..
my friend and me don't talk about cutting though, I mean of course she asked me once if I had cut but after that she stopped and she acts as if everything...

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doing fine?

I guess somehow I'm okay.. o.o
I haven't cut.
I haven't been depressed.
I haven't been calling myself names..
ok the last one isn't really true but I'm doing great I guess.
All the exams went okay.. I don't expect much so I'm telling myself everytime that I flunked simply because I don't want to stress about whether or not I'll graduate ^^;

Tomorrow I'm going on the trip I've been worryin...

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exams -.-

It's almost finished.
Only 2 more exams to go and I'm done.
Hopefully for good, another year would be torture.

Heard some bad news about my grandma's bf...
He has pneumonia so he's hospitalized demo.. they're in greece..
And my grandma doesn't speak greece and I doubt she can speak english, not to mention she doesn't even know how to withdraw money, so someone from the family is going to h...

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finals o.o, parents and other stuff

My finals start on monday o.o
I'm nervous as hell.
It's impossible for me to study everything so I guess summaries will have to do.

Anyway I think it's day 29 now x3 which makes me a bit happy.
It helps for me to read SI fanfiction since it makes me recognise some things I was feeling at the time and by imagining it it helps me not to cut if that makes any sense ^^

I also found a great a...

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day 19

day 19... I think.
I'm doing fine, at least I haven't cut yet.
Triggers seem to be getting a bit worse though.
I bit myself to prevent cutting, I couldn't calm myself down enough nor find an other way to distract myself long enough. Still a form of self harm isn't it..

Vacation isn't safe for me..
I don't want to eat even though I'm tired or dizzy or almost pass out. F***! This is why I sh...

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struggling .. possible trigger

It's the 11th/12th day now.
I'm losing count to be fair.
I don't think I'm doing well though.

I hate myself more then ever.
I hate it when I don't eat, I hate it when I eat.
I hate myself even more, the way I look, the way I act, because I hurt myself and also because I don't.
Its tearing me apart!
Last night I had to draw on my arm to prevent myself from cutting, had to lay an sharp obj...

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hols

Everything is going fine..
My cuts are fading..
I still can't help myself to stop thinking about what other people think of me though. It's one of the things that makes me feel worthless even though it doesn't make sense. I guess I'll try to lock myself up in a room again with nothing else but schoolbooks. I've promised myself that I'll get at leats some B's at my finals, not that it's ever goi...

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feeling detached

i'm losing it..
I feel totally detached form everything
can't concentrate.. feels like my head is filled with too much information..
even forgot what day it was..
i've come to the point where i shut myself down emotionally..
everything they say about me is true anyway than what's the point in being angry/sad..
i simply don't care anymore

somehow i think that not-cutting brings me more da...

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