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the real me

Creation Date: 04-08-2008 01:47 PM

my place to write things I can't even tell my friends


I'm my own counselor (a bad one at that probably) xD

anyway the cremation went okay, didn't break down crying, although I wanted to, had a fun time afterwards with my sis and parents, bought new sunglasses and flip-flops

saturday I went to visit a friend (the one who knows about my SI) it was pretty normal, thank god! We did a freckles inspection (yeah I'm one big walking freckle -.- I'm a ...


ups and downs

I'm in the middle of a tug o' war created by me xD
seriously.. I love japanese but now I also love korean... and I don't mind chinese either o.o; so I don't know what to study!! D=
secondly I have this pull towards England lately so I might consider studying there which could be good since I need to start with a clean slate anyway..
I'm probably going to England this summer, on my own or with ...


RL kicks in[trigger alert?]

people are dying around me
one of my mom's friends died 2 weeks ago, today I heard my sis' best friend got run over by a truck. Yesterday I heard my gran's bf might die in a couple of months if not a couple of weeks. My uncle is hospitalized for a hemmorhage (doesn't recognize anyone anymore).
All of these people I know or have known, it hurts to hear everyday that someone you love is going to ...


social standards -.-

I read an article a while ago that stated that women are brought up to belive they have to be nice to everyone and care for those around them. I think the article is right, I mean, I was one of those brought up with the thought that you're not supposed to hurt others and consider their feelings and try to help people where possible.
The downside though is that because of this upbringing it's no...


life hates me xD

I'm serious though..
I failed the last possible chance to get to 2nd semester D= and I have no idea what I did wrong since I understood the text exam ;_; got the result today that I have failed the class
secondly for the last two day I've been plagued by nightmares which really sucks since everytime I end up waking up immediately and not remembering what the dreams were about except that some o...


questions answered

I asked myself last night (read 5am) some questions.. seems that I think I need help with the cutting.. only I want it to be anonnymous like a talk group or something.
Asking myself questions wasn't fun though D= I asked myself if I want to live and the answer was no. I have nothing to live for except my family maybe. If I want to die then what use is it to me to go to uni if I'm already this sc...


life is meaningless

it's been 9 months since I started cutting o.o it seems shorter though...
I still don't cut often, only when things get too stressful/complicated for me to handle or if it has been to long since the last cut. I think this time it took a month before I cut again, which is a small improvement..right?
I won't give up on cutting though.. a)I need it to stay sane b)I like it. There.I said it.

my ...


another setback

Life was going okay for a while...
Now I'm preparing for another blow
My gran is going to be hospitalized and it doesn't look good at the same time her boyfriend is also being hospitalized because he almost can't breathe..
My family says they'll probably die soon

I hate them for saying things like this just out of the blue and without showing that they care at all!! FOR GODS SAKE this are m...



I always have my 'tool' with me in the same house..
I kinda don't have it with me now..
and I'm kinda panicking about it, which sucks seeing that I have to write a paper (or two)
I've already looked through the house for sharp things, but I can't take them 'cause they're my parents'
alternatives don't help either
it's becoming an every day struggle now



I know it's not something to be happy about, but..
someone I know very well cuts too and we kinda talked..
I talk with he/she if I can and made the promise to tell when I was about to cut,
but I can't because I know I wouldn't cut if I told I wanted to..
I guess I'm really starting to get addicted again.. ;__;

Good news though I almost went 3 months without.. maybe even longer

I think I...