the real me

it's been a very very long time since I've been here
I've been doing good.
I quit university since I knew I wasn't able to handle that much stress, but surprisingly I've found something to study that brings on much more stress but I love it too much to let is pass by xD I've decided to become a social worker
ironic right? xD

I've stopped cutting.. I'm now more than 2 months since last time ...

This week I have had my first appointment to try to figure out what they could do for me and what I was expecting in turn to benefit from counseling.
They have questioned me for an hour so I was kinda woozy afterwards, but at least they know everything from the not eating as punishment to the very bad mood swings.
They asked me if I wanted to change the self harm and the eating thing, but I'm k...

so I kind of wanted to keep this blog up to date with what has happened lately..
I kind of had a big mental set back two weeks ago about something which shouldn't have upset me. Since then it has gone a bit downhill and now I'm skipping meals more than ever. I'm even going as far as lying to friend when she invited me to eat with her.
It's been almost two weeks since the last cuts and it hasn'...

I know that I'm using my blog way too often than I first intended but I need to write this down since I'm so tired that I might forget in the morning anyway.
I had panic attack pretty much trough out the day so I couldn't attend class cause I was either hyperventilating or trying not to grab the nearest sharp object, or food or no food at all. I don't know what the hell happened to cause it the ...

I'm okay.
Well as far as okay goes with me anyway ^^
today my parents are going to pick me up since they're in the neighborhood anyway and I'll be staying with them till monday when I need to do another blood test @_@ (gods how I hate those) I have to do another one since the doc said the value of my thyroid gland is a bit high o.o; after that I have like 3h to get ready and travel 124km to uni...

I had a setback on sunday
I've been free of cutting for almost 3 weeks and suddenly i got triggered don't know by what or how but I had tried to suppress it for more than three hours before I couldn't stand it anymore and cut.
And today I finally went to see the unipsych since I'm getting really tired of trying to fix this on my own and every time failing to get better.
So I told her I was cut...

Well now I know how my dad feels about people who cut themselves. We have this show here called the 25 which today broad casted the 25 most weirdest people who became famous. Marilyn Manson was in it and he cuts so my dad said you had to be absolutely retarded to cut yourself. Weird thing is that frankly I don't care what he thinks about it. He should be happy that I only cut myself and that I ha...

today has been one of the most confusing days since well... a year or so
I started of depressed and wanting to cut, which I didn't
Then during class I was okay and had to laugh at something with a classmate and couldn't stop until I was crying.
Then I got all blah and anxious again when I got home
then back to college.. first hour was okay but the second I couldn't even remember the damn basi...

today has been one of the most confusing days since well... a year or so
I started of depressed and wanting to cut, which I didn't
Then during class I was okay and had to laugh at something with a classmate and couldn't stop until I was crying.
Then I got all blah and anxious again when I got home
then back to college.. first hour was okay but the second I couldn't even remember the damn basi...

it's 11 am and I already feel like ****, go me -.-
sometimes I really envy the dead.
I think I'm going back to ed..
I haven't eaten much yesterday..or the day before
my mind keeps laughing at me every time I'm hungry it's kinda weird, but it feels great to feel hungry. I missed it.
If I lose weight there will be just a little less of me I have to deal with.
And I want/need/will/have to lose...