bekkles's Blog

I was watching House the other night. And it was about a chic with Munchausen's - a psychological disorder where a person goes to doctors and hospitals etc faking illnesses (and often causing them) for attention.

I was thinking back over all the times I've thought, I wish I could be so skinny that people would worry, or something like that. Wanting attention for some sort of ailment.

And wa...

*sigh* yesterday was good.... sorta. i got to hang out with the guy i really like. but i also had to meet his friends, and meeting noo ppl is NOT my forte! especially those peeps... i can't start conversation. im really good at keeping one going, but never starting one on my own. and these ppl didn't so much as look at me... after like a couple of HOURS one guy finally noticed me... was v um *fri...

Lol I hate this so much. I have a crush LOL and it's cute, I guess... but pretty bad. Because I'm in a class with my crush. And he moves in and out of my friendship circle. And might possibly know I exist (lol he does ask for hugs every now and then, but then he hugs everyone... but then again, he doesn't ) ... and every time he's near i feel quite terrible lol kinda embarassing really; very gr...

I went back home today. It was just to pick up some stuff, but anyway it's been about 11 or 12 days... and all mum could talk about was how good it has been without me. And how messy I am. And how much of a pig I am. I don't mean to be... I just put stuff down and forget about it until I need it again.

How can anybody love me if not my own mother? How I can I love me - f*ck, how could I even ...

I'm going to fail physics, I know it... just like I fail everything. And since I know I am nothing but a failure, why shood I even bother living? But I can't die... cuz I have a future, somewhere, just a really crap one where I end up living in a ditch. I feel like I can't succeed, can't achieve... and it doesn't make me feel good. These tears are making my face feel cold, and there's no tissues ...

The other night I felt really bad so I cried. It took some doing (I had to imagine dead puppies to make myself sad enuff) but last night I felt really strangely disconnected. I felt bad, but no matter what I did, I couldn't make myself cry and I really wanted to cuz I needed to let it out somehow.

So I gave up and watched a whole heap of Horation Cane's one-liners on Youtube (and a hilarious ...

I've taken to eating more or less normally again (resolve has crumbled, again, and food has got the better of me) I've decided not to worry for a while, because it's too hard... but I can feel my waistline expanding... i'm not bingeing, but even normal amounts of food feel like binges. And I keep eating bread (like for lunch etc) which I know has a tendency to clog me up ewww but it does... I rea...

I felt so bad last night... i couldn't eat cuz i wasn't hungry... and my grandmother can't understand anyone who won't eat, and actually became very offended that i wouldnt eat the food she'd made. but i honestly couldn't! so I wrote this (very long) poem type thing...

Eat, eat, eat
Food’s your life, innit?
Obsessed.
Breakfast.
Mid-morning snack.
Lunch.
Afternoon tea.
Dinner.
Desert....

*Sigh* I told my counsellor last night in my group session... And now I'm not so sure it was that great an idea. I don't know. What help can he give, really? I think I've now identified just about every contributing factor to my ED (thanks to my time spent here on FTI) and I know that I have no real reason to hate myself (I've even started to feel good about myself!) and now the only thing making...

My cousin, best friend in the world known her my whole life has brain cancers and is somewhat deformed and yes she has issues, has told me that she is anorexic. and she thinks it is a GOOD thing! And I can understand that, yes... but it frustrates me. How can I help her? She is like 43 kilos.... 5 foot nothing... but she wants to lose 15 kilos!!!! and i can't do ANYTHING to help her.... because s...