bekkles's Blog

It's going to happen soon.

He's going to leave her at last, and once he's gotten over that, we'll go out. And that sounds terrible, in my opinion, if you don't know the background story, because I always said I'd never go out with a guy who left his girlfriend for me, but it's more the case that he's leaving her because they almost never see each other (and it's almost as if she doesn't care.....

I think I've got it all figured out, at last! That's all I have to do - is stand by my man. Because that's all I can do. If one day things do actually progress with his relationship with his gf, ok. I think I can handle that. But if, as I am quite certain will happen (I don't think it will get any better after school, and as it is he sees her once a month if he's lucky), it all falls apart, then ...

Terrible timing tho. I was with friends... it was raining... we were walking to the tram stop from school... My friend who I've been ranting at late has been subject to these weird moods lately and it affects me terribly, so I was feeling bad... staring at the ground as I walked, thinking how easily I could just let go... sink to the ground, lie in the rain, and slowly float away, just like going...

Jealousy, that's what it is. Horrible jealousy. But the worst thing is, I can't even tell if I like him "in that way" or what :S But I know I hate it when he mentions her... Annoyed when he spends time with her (even though he sees her like once a month, if he's luck)... and just so frustrated... like she's in the way. *Sigh*. So I still really don't know what to do. He doesn't make it easy for m...

I've pretty much sorted it all out now, all the emotions and complicatedness.

He has a girlfriend.

She's never there (busy schedule - a lot of "commitments," but he's not one of them).

He needs a lot of support because he's sensitive (artiste, pianist). And because he's prolly suffering PTSD after the near-death by heart attack of his father last year, and the actual deaths of a close f...

Cuz emotions, feelings, they are fickle things. They change like the wind. And if you let them rule your life... bad sh*t happens.

K so lately I've been ranting about this whole big soapie-style drama between me and my best friend (who is a guy) - the one who admitted to liking me (but in a complicated way) and then the other day said he had "sorted it out" and thought a lot etc... didn't rea...

We are a liar. We always lie. Mum doesn't believe anything we say or do. We are a liar. Even our actions lie - "happy people don't cut themselves!" she yells. But what does she know? When I am happy, I am happy. If I smile, it's because I'm happy (or am being polite). At that instant, I am usually happy. In the next I might return to a black abyss of total depression, but that's a different story...

So mum decided she wanted to know what sites I use on the net, and decided I had to keep the history open. "ok," I thought, I'll do that. I'll be honest. I'll leave it up there. And maybe she won't do anything.

WHY WAS I SO STOOPID?!!

I open up my browser today, and learn that this morning she has been all over this site (which I'm always logged into... might have to consider signing out ...

I have long since had a habit of referring to myself in the plural. I am wondering if this is entirely normal... Lately I've felt like there's three personalities in my mind - there's myself, a second, very strong personality, and a third, lesser personality that usually is there just to agree with the stronger one. but i think it's starting to turn me crazy. thoughts like "we don't need help, we...

mum wants the truth. she always sees through my lies, and she hates the fact that i lie to her. but i don't want to admit stuff. it was bad enough when she found out about the cutting... now i know that she also knows about my ED, but still I can't admit it... and i don't want her to know about this site, because i'm scared she'll tell me not to go on here or something... but she's becoming suss ...