posted 02-22-2008 06:16 PM by
Well this is my first blog. I guess writing things out will always help, or at least it should. So I've writen millions of things on paper, but maybe I should let other people know what I'm going through. I guess I have to start at the beginning... [well the short story of my life]
Well my parents are divoced... but my mom remarried.. i wont go into that
my mom was a major partyier and it wasnt the greatest thing int he world. one night she didnt come home because she was in a car accident and it scared the **** outta me.. but that didnt stop me for getting involved with drinking and smoking [not drugs]
when my mom was drinking and all that, we didnt live with my stepfather.. we moved away because he wanted her to stop... after the accident, we moved back
and i got more into drinking and smoking. i was lying 24/7, i was stealing a LOT... my mom finally found out and i stopped. fully and completely
then i met a guy... he was the GREATEST... only problem was that he was [is] 5 years older then me... but i finally told him last summer  and he asked me out.. which was like awesome to me!! --just kidding
well basically he cheated on me and then we got back together and then he didnt talk to me for about a week... so i sent him a txt saying that i am in love with him and that i couldnt do this anymore.. that was the last time i ever talked to him...
so after he cheated on me, HE didnt talk to ME for about a month... then he did
inbetween that time, i started cutting myself... the first time i ever really purposely cut was one time at his house... i just wanted to know what it was like..
it wasnt that bad at the time, but then after all that happened i started and it was kinda bad but not totally bad... so i told my cousin.. [michael]
at first he didnt really do anything, besides say that he was oging to kill the guy that cheated on me, because he thought it was[the guys] fault.. when it wasnt, it was [and still is] mine...
michael never really wanted to talk about it and i did.. and i admit it, at first i just wanted to get his attention and to see if he cared... see how i put at first
but then that night happened... the suicide attempt...
umm not much to reeally say on that.. i hated my life and things keep on adding up and up
but then i had to tell some people the next day.. i never had to go to the hospital but i told my closest friends
michael totally freaked out at me.. he actually called me and freaked out.. saying stuff like i shouldnt be doing this and all that.. and then he told me that i have to stop and if i didnt, he would tell my mom
well i stopped cutting for about a week!!! then i started again because school started
----today would be 7 months since that night---
(tomorrow at 7:41pm would be the time that he proved me wrong and showed me he cared)
well life goes on adn we all grow up and that ****..
so i kept cutting because when school started, he totally left me behind
my cutting was outta control and i just wouildnt stop for anyhting
then i told my friend [kelsey] adn i found out she did it too
then later on i found out the my friend [kayla] does it too
i blamed myself for both of them doing it
and i still do....................................
so then lets go to the present!
michael still doesnt wanna talk about things..
i have given him two notes telling him a lot of things that owuld make him wanna talk to me... reasons why i do it and things like that
but he still wont talk to me and i really dont understand why
i always start to think a lot of things that i dont understand
what did i do to deserve this hate? but then again what did i do to deserve his love/caring[ness]? nothing, i ruined his life more then anybody could imagine... i deserve his hate and i dont deserve to even be able to talk/look at him... i deserve to cut myself
other things i dont understand
why he owuld tell [kelsey] all these things... [he told her things like i'm sooo important to him and he is always worried about me and he wants me to stop and he would do anyhting for me and all that] but why doesnt he tell me these things??? thats my quesiton and problem.. i love him like a brother and i dont wanna hurt him but am i hurting him by hurting myself?
thats another thing i dont understand.. its me, im hurting me.. not other people, just me. why do they get soo pissed off at me when its my body i can do whatever i want to it? i guess that i will never understand it.. but in a way i do because both of my friends do it too and i dont want them to do it. but for me its different because i do deserve it and they dont but they wont listen to me...............
i guess im just a really ****ed up brat who needs to get over herself and just go and die, right? well thats what i think and i will always think it
i suck as a person but i can be a really good friend
i can be there for whoever needs it and i will be there....