posted 01-02-2008 03:56 PM by
I don't even know what to...
So much has changed. I.. Everything's worse. Only... I'm back to faking being happy. And.... Finding it hard to talk about it. This is a f*cking computer screen, for god's sake. But I.. I just can't.
I'm eating. I'm not cutting. But I hate this more. It's the sheer pain. My stomach is empty. It's like... I'm over-eating. Trying to fill it. But I can't. Every false smile kills me that bit more.
I can't even.. Normally I'm good at wording it, using examples and what not, but today I just... I can't.
I feel like I'm gonna cry. But, no. Instead I take a deep breath and smile like there's nothing wrong.
I just... I can't drag people down with me like this anymore. I won't. It's not fair. I mean.. It's not fair on me either. I didn't do anything. I know that, now. But... Why do I still have this incredible urge to blame myself for everything? As though I... Deserve this. Like it's my fault I'm this screwed up. Everyone always blames my competetive Dad. My manipulative step-mum. My never around mum. But.. Nothing can MAKE me think think this sh*t.
I don't even want it all to be better. I just want it to be bearable. Is that so much to ask? For my life to not make me wanna die? I mean, god. What's that bullsh*t about talking about it makes it better? That's just not true. It does nothing. Why should it? Talking to someone doesn't make it go away.
And even if I wanted to talk about it.. I dunno. It's like.... There's nothing more in the world that I want right now than to scream at the top of voice what's wrong with me and beg everyone and anyone to save me. To rescue me. To help me. And yet..... If I try.... I can't. Literally. I open my mouth, and the words won't come out. I just can't... I don't even know. I just can't do anything right now. I'm screwing up EVERYTHING.
I just.... I just can't, okay? I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I do to everyone.
I just... I... I can't do this... I... I can't.
I'm not strong enough.