Just a Jinx

Hey fti. It's been a while. I had been doing well, and haven't been around in a long time.

I need someone to talk to. Desperately so.

About a month ago, my fiance and I broke up. It was my decision, but that didn't make it any easier, on either of us. I don't really want to go into specifics, but we grew apart.

I met this guy while school was still in. He was great. A perfect escape. I...

On His Brand New Hearse.

(Bleed it out, LP) For some reason this song makes me really happy, must be the beat, cuz the lyrics aren't super happy...

Anyways. I'm happy? I don't know. I have a migraine... but it could be worse. I was up early, haven't really been sleeping.

But I'm okay. I'll be fine. I got my cats, and my loud music cuz my fam is out of town. They don't appreciate good mus...

I feel empty; emotionless.

I want more than ever to cut, but I'm not sad or angry... I haven't.

I'm sitting here, alone, with my cats. I haven't been working on my studies, I haven't been doing anything really. I just don't want to move.

I would rather be depressed than float here like this.

I am not well.
But I am not sick.

I am floating here, between disabling depression and being able to function like a normal 18 year old girl.

I want one or the other. Sometimes I can laugh and enjoy my family and fiance, sometimes I'd rather spend the day in bed. But I'm not even living one side fully... I'm not completely, desperately depressed... and I can't get really happy either. At ...

Myself.

I want the world to go away. Words are meaningless, but they hurt. Of course they hurt. Everything hurts.

I want to cry. Cry myself to sleep and never wake.

I want to cut. Bleed myself to sleep and never wake.

These demons are in my head and sometimes they hide. Sometimes I am normal. Sometimes I laugh, I function. I have no control when they come out though. I have no contr...

i wish i could love myself,
the way i love you
because im only here because i have you
because i wake up in the middle of the night
wanting to cry
but i laugh because youve stolen the covers
again

youre my everything
but maybe

maybe
thats not enough

i feel pathetic. i'm so lonely. so desperate. i'm reading and rereading posts and blogs, searching for something i wish i had a rea...

No one is going to understand this,
but that's okay.
I have lots of people to talk to, to share with, but sometimes everyone needs somewhere to be anonymous. You know exactly what I mean.

My mind is running so much faster than my body; so much faster than time. I cannot meet my own standards, nor can I remember what those goals had been. I know where I want to be, and it's not here. I know w...

I've been stable.
My bipolar has been hiding behind the medication and has not really shown itself lately.
Last night I started to cry and I couldn't stop again.
I started to cut (for the first time in forever) and I couldn't stop.

I have just started a new term at school, my teacher has high expectations and I have an essay due. I can't think, nevermind write a thousand word essay on a top...

I joined this group a few years ago,
I come and I go,
Mostly I'm here screaming my lungs out,
The things I can't really say out loud without scrutiny.
I'm 18, female, live in southern canada.
I have bi-polar, insomnia, ptsd, ocd and an eating disorder that comes and goes.
I am on meds, see a therapist and doctor and my family is supportive.
Most of all though,
what you need to know,
is t...