posted 11-22-2007 10:44 PM by
Sleep never came. Curled as small as I could manage, my giant dog wrapped around me protectively. The sun is up. Hours pass and I hear the bustle of my brothers getting ready for school.
The door opens. Daddy's face appears.
-I'm taking the boys to school. Stay here.
He doesn't say it, but in my head, I add 'or else.' His face shows the anger his voice hides. I don't dare move. I hear them leave, frozen with fear, though he has left. I know he will be back for me. Hogan licks my tears, his warm nose comforts me.
The front door opens. The anticipation is killing me. My tiny body trembles as he climbs the stairs. His footsteps continue down the hall and stop in front of my door. Door opens.
-You need a bath.
I follow silently to the bathroom, he fills the tub. Strips off my pyjamas.
-You are dirty. What a dirty little girl. Filthy.
I hear the disgust in his voice. He picks me up, sets me in the bathtub. The water is scalding. Its so hot I can't stand it. I don't dare move, don't dare say a word.
The doorbell rings. He takes one look at me.
He leaves. Hogan creeps in, lays on the mat. I hate myself. What did I do that was so bad? Why does Daddy hate me so much? I miss Mommy.
He's gone so long. The water cools. Cold is good. Colder and colder, longer and longer he's gone. Maybe he won't come back. Maybe, he's forgotten about me.
He returns. With a fluffy white towel in hand, he lifts me out. Wraps me up, sets me on his lap. The look of hatred that he wore on his face will never leave me. What did I do?
I whisper. I don't know what for, but I didn't mean to be bad. Honest.
He looks down, shakes his head.
No lunch. I dress for school. Head down, I follow behind him out the door. A smug smile on his face, he holds my reluctant hand tight. Too tight.
I miss Mommy more than anything. Why is Daddy mad at me? Why am I so dirty?