Just a Jinx

So I've been okay lately. I believe strongly that I have kicked my eating disorder, I should be feeling great right? My thoughts have turned from my weight and food to self injury of other sorts. I want to cut more than anything. It's been so long.

I've been having nightmares. Bad. A lot of it is things from my past that have been bothering me. Before I was diagnosed bipolar I was psychotic. Very psychotic. I convinced myself I had cancer and that I was dying. This of course made its way around my public school after my journal was taken, and eventually when the rumour proved to be false... I was treated very strangely. I don't know how to deal with confrontations with these people now. I don't see them much as I went to a different high school and its almost five years ago... but it still bothers me. Was I that insane? Did I just really want attention? But I'm not like that. I would never trick someone into feeling pity for me. I hate pity. I hate sympathy. The dreams are overwhelming. Commercials and ads for cancer research cause my gut to drop and flip. How do I accept the mixed up thoughts I had when I was untreated for a mental illness? I know I shouldn't care what people think, but it's so hard.

Other than that, I just have this urge to bleed. To get in the shower and hack until I can't move. Its horrible. Its morbid and disgusting and stupid, but I want it so badly. I'm having thoughts of ending it, though my life is going fine. I'm stable yet I want out. I want to escape. I can't even sleep to get away from my thoughts anymore.
I feel so alone.
-jinx