posted 12-22-2007 03:42 PM by
*sigh* I can't even really be bothered to do this but here I am.
I've had only a few or less hours of sleep a night. And it's making me ill. Light-headed and stuff. I can hardly stomach food. For once it's not me forcing myself not to eat. Which is a change. I feel pretty crap now. In fact, I don't even understand how I feel right now, nevermind why. I think my being ill is actually over-ridng most everything else at the minute.
But, I was literally crying with happiness last night. Lame, huh? But, you know what, I don't care. You know why I was crying? Because for the first time in a year I liked myself. Longer really, I didn't like myself before I stopped eating. There were no insults, and I wasn't wishing I was dead. I was thankful that I'd survived so far. I was thankful to myself for holding on, when all I wanted to do was let go. And I was so... Proud. I was so proud that I was simply still alive. It was... amazing. So I cried coz I was completely overwhelmed. Don't get me wrong, it only lasted an hour or so, but still. It made me even more determined to beat this. Because if it felt that good for just an hour, how will it feel if it's always?
It's bizzare that this came when I was at rock bottom. I'd never felt so low. It's like a line from a song I know. "Life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything's going wrong, and everything blows up in your face."
And, weirdly, I think that one moment.. At 4am on a friday night, when I'd hit rock bottom, was thinking life couldn't possibly get any worse and had had only a few hours sleep in 5 days.. I think it may have just saved my life.
I'm not saying it's gonna be easy now. Hell no. I know I'm gonna be right back at rock bottom many, many, many times. But I have something now to help me through those times of complete sadness. When it feels like nobody in the whole world would notice if I just disappeared. When I feel so completely misunderstood. When I feel so... Alone. I have what I now believe to be, possibly, the most important thing you can have in your life. Hope.