posted 10-07-2011 11:07 AM by
I read my last entry, and it kind of gave me therapy. To know I've been in the **** hole before among friends and I pulled myself out to be stronger.
Maybe that's what this rut is, another test in my life to make me pull myself out of it and make myself stronger.
I've now graduated from college, with my degree in economics.
When I tried to pull myself from my previous rut, I met a friend, Katie. Katie and I became very very close friends. She had been raped in a far more brutal manner than I had, and she was so okay with it. It made me more okay with it. There was this kindred connection from the hurt in our hearts.
She had just moved to my town and came from San Francisco. One day she said her friend was coming up from SF to visit her and that they were gonna get together and I should help her. But he has a girlfriend who is actually all evil and crazy. Kay. That night went rather hilariously. And that was the first night I met David.
David came up many times and we would all party together. We'd even road trip to party. Somewhere in that, I fell in love with David. I felt horrible. I could never tell Katie. I just tried to forget it.
So when I got hit on by this guy named Dan, I was more than willing to take up the relationship. Thank god for having a distraction from David. I knew Dan from work, and he is an incredibly cute guy. Girls get their panties in a bundle for him. So why not?
Dan came over to my house everyday. One night me, him, my roommate all got drunk together and I was like "OMG I JUST LOVE KATIE I WANT HER HERE!" soI called her and she came over.
And then Katie fell for dan really hard. But dan was kind of allready my main distraction from her first crush, David. Argh.
I told Katie what was up before she got too deep... and then everything in our relationship seemed to change.
Then my bestfriend (who was in Santa Cruz, 2 hours south of SF) hit a really dark time in her life. I needed to go to cali to visit her. I told Katie this- she was planning to head down to visit David and could give me a ride. Dan wanted to come to. She was chill with it. So I was glad we could be chill. We talked about parties that were in the bay that we would attend, and planned every night I'd have free before I bussed down to Santa Cruz
When we got to David's house in SF- she immanently sat down on facebook. When party's came up- she ditched me for them. (david came with though) and EVERY TIME we came home, some random dude was in bed with her. I had never felt like I misjudged someone as hard as I did Katie. I accepted it all the same. It's her choice, just maybe I wont chill with someone who will ditch me.
Katie then told us how she wanted to go to Santa Cruz too, and that we should all go together. Great, now I don't have to bus down there, David offered to drive us. David's incredibly kind to everyone.. and all I can really do in response is just focus on Dan.
We get to Santa Cruz. Katie apparently came down to see her Ex. when he didnt want to **** her, she wanted to go back home. THE SAME NIGHT WE GOT THERE. I was all "rawwwr no! I came to Cali to see my bestie!" We convinced her to stay till the next day, and she had to leave ASAP in the morning because of work???
No convincing her. Time spent with my bestfriend cut really really really short. I'm way not happy with this. We go back to David's house, and down she sits to be on facebook. No work to be done. She's bull****ting us.
I stopped talking and hanging out with Katie after that trip. She hung out with my roommate a few times to rant about me. (as reported back, cuz my roomie and I were hella tight) About how I just used and took advantage of David. I didn't understand. But I lost that friendship.
But David and I had connected enough at this point to where he'd come up to just visit me. I took him out for his first Acid trip on one of his trips up. I still was in love with him... and I think he felt the same. He had broken up with his girlfriend too..
But I had dan.
>.< oh the irony, right?
Dan at this point, wasn't some mature dude, but rather a mentally abusive asshole with a superiority complex. **** was not okay with him.
And he kept breaking up with me. Only to get back with me later that week.
So during our third break-up (where I decided I wasn't gonna keep with him) I told David I liked him. David I guess had allready started things back up with his ex. he said nothing back and the next day his facebook status went back to being in a relationship with her.
So... completely rejected, I went back to Dan. Dan said we'd do E together and figure our whole relationship out. I said okay. This was the worst experience of my life. Dan basically told me, while I was rolling balls (and for those who dont roll, imagine taking a drug that forcibly takes down all barriers and your entire ego) He told me that he wanted to sleep with other women and me. He told me I was never enough for him. I told dan I liked david, and I told him so and he said nothing back.
Dan got really upset. The situation turned ugly. He got really mentally brutal on me, convinced my roommate I was causing the ugliness (my roommate literally didnt even know we were rolling, let alone what he had been saying to me) and convinced my roommate to ditch me and go to a party instead.
I sat there, rolling balls, considering suicide. I've known SERIOUS heart-ache in my life. My heart has never hurt so bad. Don't do e with mother ****ers.
I called David's girlfriend. I was freaking out. She was in class and left to hear me balling my face off. She called david telling him something was wrong with me, and David immanently logged on and basically calmed me down.
David's Girlfriend and I kicked it off from that experience. She wanted to know about acid as well, so I had her come up so she could experience it. This was another mistake. (I think I have a better idea of who I do drugs around now)
Liz, (is her name) was metaphysically existing out of David's knee. Liz was not lucid. All I got instead was stuck in this omnipotent headspace where I realized how david's and liz's relationship was, but at the same time being very aware that david was constantly thinking about me. He wouldn't stop staring at me either. David got drunk that night cuz he didn't drop. He acted in a very embarrassing manner to himmself. He dehumanized liz, he mocked liz. It was a gross thing to do to poor liz.
Dan develops a crush on Liz. This becomes even harder to deal with. Dan realizes I'm in love with david and not him, and he gets intimated. At this point he has broken up with me 7 times. And he is constantly like "David is such a zen guy, and all the money he has, and how he is, he must get so much *****. He deserves someone like liz." and then it turned into "You're just a pathetic girl with a pathetic crush on David who will never ever like you back. "
I felt Dan's darkness envelop me. I realized at that moment, being alone would have been better. Having a dog would have been better. He insisted I wasnt his girlfriend, but we'd have exclusive sex and he'd tell me he loved me.
I was nothing but a booty call.
I left with my roommate down to SF to visit David and Liz. Then I remember'd how Katie told me that David's girlfriend liz was crazy. And I got to see that craziness finally play out. It all started with me putting potatoes on the counter. Liz apparently couldn't handle potatoes being on the counter and went onto a 4-hour cleaning endeavor in order to make room in the cabinets for said potatoes. It was that act in itself that made me go "Oooh she's completely bat****." I had been masked into believing she was awesome because of Dan.
So time to investigate this bat****. Liz REFUSES to leave David alone. We go to his mom's house and use her hot tub. As the night grows later and later, Liz finally goes inside to play pokemon with my roommie. Thank god. I get a moment to talk to David alone. I get to ask him about liz and find she's been reading every email, every chat log, every bit of everything. She had basically acted so insane David had been drinking every night and put on a lot of weight. He started to cry.
I told him I still liked him. He bit his lip, and told me he liked me too. "Well, so now things are super complicated cuz we both know now" I stated. But it was as if years and years of sexual tension came off our backs. It litterally stopped raining and the moon came out.. the sun was starting to rise.
Liz came out from playing pokemon. She was bat**** we had been in there so long and accused us of having sex. We told her our towels had gotten wet in the rainstorm. She brought us new towels. But the sexual tension had disappointing. David and I wanted to be near each other. Our vibes totally changed, and liz picked up on it.
David broke up with her. I broke up with Dan, and we did the long distance thing until i graduated from college.
David gathered all her **** and put it on her parent's door step.
I ignored dan's calls and texts and when he came by I said "we aren't in a relationship." he said he knew, "No, I mean, I'm done having sex with you." and he couldn't believe it.
Katie found out I got with david, apparently this was "the last straw" with me, and she defriended me on facebook. I hadn't even spoken to her in the last year or so.
I graduated from college, David came and got me and brought me to California where we both now sit, dittling around figuring out what we should do with ourselves.
And I am totally caught up and insecure over liz. And I really don't know why. It's probably because she still texts him asking him to come over late at night.
And this is really my biggest issue. I think apart of it is still the brain wash of her perfection from Dan. The other part of it is that I feel like David will take her up on the offer of coming over. That's really not trusting david though. I guess he's right. I don't trust him.
Hopefully I'll look back on this and have grown