posted 07-09-2011 09:17 PM by
Young & Angry
I cannot believe how long it's been and how much has changed.
Wow. I haven't been on here since... last summer?
I almost feel unworthy to be here.
But alas, I progress.
So. I believe my last post was a poll. I was living with my aunt and uncle at the time... in a very protective, secure, "corrupt free" house. Notice I say "house" and not "home". Anyways. I love my aunt and uncle very much, but they were smothering me. One of my favorite Linkin Park quotes-
" Can't you see that you're smothering me, holding to tightly, afraid to lose control'
Had to do with their religion of course. Jehovah Witnesses. But they were insanely devout. Needless to say, I had no life. None whatsoever. Everything I did on the computer was monitered, my crazy aunt (and when I say crazy, I mean it quite literally) listening in to every phone call. It was too much. The depression was ruling my life. It got to the point where I was begging my uncle to take me to a counselor (which eventually happened) because I was SO close to doing something dumb. I told him I was considering suicide. (Just recapping my previous blogs) I had to get out. Everyone saw that it was an unhealthy environment for me including other family members.
So I left.
Now back to the poll. The poll was... well: http://facetheissue.com/community/showthread.php?t=33207
(if that link will work...)
The poll was on if I should stay with my aunt and uncle or move in with my boyfriend's family. (Mom and stepdad)
So long story short: I did. Despite the fight and the hell I had to go through to do it, I did.
And it was the best choice I've ever made for myself. The best in my life I could say. His parents are supporting me in everything I want to pursue- college being a huge one. Living with my aunt and uncle- they did not put emphasis on higher education because they believed in pretty much living your life and doing service for God. I feel like I actually have a future now.
Additionally, my boyfriend lives down the road. About a 5-10 minute walk. It's so great being able to see him so often. Too much time was spent of us not being together. The long distance was hard, but now here he is. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I mean it when I say it... and I believe when he says it he means it as well. Me being a paranoid person of couse has my doubts. Because of the availableness between us two, I worry that he will become bored of me. They say you want what you can't have. Well he can have me. I'm 5 minutes away for christsakes. The available girlfriend. I'm ok with that, because I like the idea of having an almost-married-style relationship. Some spontaneality (word?) is also enjoyed of course too. (poor, poor word choice.)
And hooray! I finally have a job. That means money. That means bondage pants, chocolate and whatever else my little heart may desire. Ah to feel like I am actually working for something.
Life has been good.
However... something happened yesterday. I am unsure of what to make of it.
I cut. I've never cut before. I hate blood-makes me sick to the stomach just thinking about it. But I cut. A baby cut. It surprised me how lightly I drew the blade in order to draw blood. Barely anything. Didn't even hurt. It's almost as if it fascinated me to watch the cut slowly appear and the blood slowly ooze. I did it again today. But both times, the worst part is... (or is it the worst part?) I wasn't/am not even sad or depressed. Not significantly stressed. Not even bored really... I do have OCD. Self-diagnosed. My father was diagnosed with it, so there is a good chance that I could be too. Is it a control issue? Is it nothing at all- was I just curious?
They are very tiny. But I look at them on my arm and as ****ed up it is to say, they almost look... cute. Like battlescars. Battlescars against myself.
an unknown battle I suppose.