posted 05-10-2011 04:39 PM by
I am now 36 weeks pregnant... My due date is in three and a half weeks... I'm supposed to be happy with my life, I'm supposed to be 'glowing' and ecstatic....but I'm not. I can barely find the strength to get out of bed in the morning, and most days I just don't bother anymore.
September - When this all started last year, I was going through a break-up... I dumped my boyfriend because I felt that we were settling down and it was too early for me, that I wanted to live my life more before we settled down together... So I left him, which turns out to be the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life.
He didn't want me to go... For a month we tried a 'break', and almost everyday he asked if I was ready to come back to him... At the end of the break I told him I wasn't coming back, but we would spend one last night together. He told me his birthday, every year he had an awful birthday but he wanted to spend it with me because it would make him happy. I agreed to it, and we spend the day together...We hung out with his friends and after snuck into a bed together and cuddled and made love and then fell asleep together...like we always used to do. The next day my mother and I took him to dinner and then dropped him off home... We hugged at the door and that was that, we decided not to see each other again until he was over me and we could be friends.
Life had a different plan.
Him and I still talked on most days... But we talked as friends and nothing more. He was going through a lot, trying to cope with the whole situation... I had ripped his heart out.
October - A few weeks later I started getting sick. Very sick. I thought I had a stomach flu because it was so awful... All day every day I was sick. Seeing as he and I were talking, I told him of how sick I was... I didn't think much of it, but as we talked we realized maybe it was morning sickness. I didn't think it would be, but I agreed we should take a test anyway. He said he would pay for half, we would go to the drug-store together and buy one and then find out together. So we did that, we bought the test and brought it back to my house and took the test. I shoved it in my pocket and walked over to him and showed him. Positive. He pulled me towards him and hugged me so tight saying "I'm sorry."
He moved to my city and moved in with friends of his while he looked for a job... We knew the second we saw the 'positive' that we were keeping this baby, no question about it. After that day he came to see me often, we would just lay in my bed together and cuddle....like old times. He went out and bought me vitamins and other little things I needed... I was still living with my mother, still am actually, and we didn't want to tell her yet. He came over almost every day, or I would go see him at his friend's house... I was happy again, we were thrilled about the pregnancy and starting a family together.
November - As much as I tried to deny it, I still loved him every bit as much as I had when we met. I told myself and him during the summer that I didn't love him, that I didn't want a family so young and that I couldn't settle down - I had my whole life to live first. And then life did this to me and made me realize that I was only lying to myself...and him.
So un-officially we were back together, we slept in the same bed, we kissed and held hands, we told each other how much we loved each other all the time and called each other 'sweetie' or 'babe'... Everything was perfect, we were on top of the world.
We had our first ultrasound that month... We got to see our little baby's heartbeat, we got to see it move around and squirm and jump... We both cried when we saw it. It was beautiful. That day I was joking that our baby looked like a little peanut... Ever since then we've called it Peanut.
December - We decided to get back together, officially. He even moved in with me, because his friend couldn't afford to have him live with her anymore. He slept in my room with me, in my bed. I had grown a little baby-bump by then which we both talked to, and he would kiss it and say "Hi"... We even talked about marriage... He knew that I wasn't 100% open to marriage, that my mind would go back and forth on it, but we still talked about it and spending our lives together and living together. Life was perfect.
2011 - ... Things started going downhill. I was stressing him out by constantly reminding him to find a job, or asking if he was going out to look for one... I started getting very possessive of him because I was alone all day and he was the only company I really had... I'd get upset if he didn't invite me to hang out with him and his friends... I'd get upset over little things, due to my hormones going insane... He was extremely stressed out and I was extremely needy... Then things between us started changing. We celebrated Valentine's day (barely) and he wrote me a beautiful card that told me how much I meant to him and that he's so happy we're together and that we will last... But he started acting very different and distant.
We stopped having sex, we stopped talking and laughing like we used to... He no longer wanted to be near me, to look at me... He would be on the computer all day and play his stupid games or watch his stupid shows... I'd ask him to spend some time with me and he'd say he was. I'd ask if we could cuddle and talk and he'd say that he's busy. He would no longer kiss me even...when he did it was because I initiated it, and it would be like a peck on the lips. He wouldn't even look at me.
To this day, I don't know what happened to him... But he changed. He morphed into someone who I don't know. The man I knew would never hurt me, intentionally or otherwise. He would do anything for me and my happiness, and he would have fought for us.
But this creature he became was the opposite of everything he was. He constantly makes me feel terrible about myself, he's not there for me when I need him, he didn't even fight for us or bother trying to work on our relationship... Instead he gave up and threw me away.
He dumped me, and told me he longer loves me and that things between us won't be okay again. I was crushed... This was a mere week after Valentine's day, a week after he told me that he knew we'd make it.. DAYS after he told me I would never ever lose him...
He still lives here with me, in my room, in my bed... only now he stays on 'his side' of the bed, rolled over and facing the wall... And then he gets up and leaves for work, usually for days at a time... I never see him... We hardly ever speak... We hardly talk.... We hardly look at each other... It's like we're strangers who live together and sleep in the same bed and are having a baby together...
Every day this kills me... I love him more than anything, more than life... I wanted to spend my future with him, I wanted to marry him and live with him and one day have more children with him... I wanted to be the one he'd go to when he needs a friend or someone to talk to... I wanted to be the one he'd trust to never hurt him or leave him... I wanted to be everything he always dreamed about... And I was all of those things, briefly...but I want them all back...
It's been months, and I haven't gone a day without crying my eyes out and wishing that I knew what happened so I could fix it... I can barely get out of bed, I can barely find the strength to smile and be happy... I'm trying to find the will to live, and go on... but everyday I feel the same immense pain and desperation... everyday I feel broken and empty inside, the only happiness I get is from feeling our little Peanut move around and comfort me... and even then I still cry because I'm letting her down by not being able to give her the happy family she deserves........ and i hate myself for still loving him and still hoping, everyday that things will work out and he'll come back to me and we'll be happy.......