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Filling the Void

Creation Date: 08-12-2007 11:45 AM

Did you know a duck's quack doesn't echo? Maybe it wasn't true.. didn't see that mythbusters..

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brain race

Nothing seems to race my brain more than what is taking place.
Ugh.

It's become apparent I'm a hot person with an inferiority complex... no wonder I'm so ****ing confused. Society overvalues me, and I undervalue myself. Bah. Same story with Korean currency.

In my last journal, this guy I was shamefully crushing on, despite the fact I have been in a very long-term commited relationship, had left for the army.
Well... he got into LAX two days ago.. and is home..
and besides promptly responding to the one facebook message i sent him... no real word or information to what has happened to him.

My life since he has left, since the last post has gone to complete shambles.
My best friend went into a dark place. I don't know how or why, and i really tried to help her deal. However her attitude towards me after so many months made me make the wrong choices, and caused her to put all the blame of pain in her life onto me and chose to move out in a very illegal manner (Which i threatened to take her to court over) also abandoning her pets onto me. Ugh. I wonder how long blaming me will work until she's in anothe rut.
Regardless she took her ass to my current boyfriend's best friend- and claimed i did a bunch of stuff I simply have never done. Now both of them are convinced I am a massive succubus, and apparently all my time and focus is not on my studies but infact are completely on coming up with new, and very elaborate ways to convince my boyfriend why he should hate his best friend.
Ugh.
Yes, obviously the case. OBVIOUSLY their worst fears are my pure intentions.
ERGH. So then I'm landed with no friends, and a boyfriend I don't even like enough to only like him and no one else @_@; ugh.

So while i curl my self in a deep "I caused my best friend to flee from me because im so outrageously horrible to be with" mentality, i rudely ignore people in my classes who try to befriend me. And other close personal friends are seemingly out to ignore me.

Great job me.

To make matters worse, I get sick. Really sick. Vomitting black sick. 104lbs without trying sick. not having my period sick. going to the doctors, hearing about how im going to lose my ability to hold my own poop in... and how im under nourished to the point where it may affect my reproductive processes in the furture. I go under various procedures, visits from family, blood draws, and then of course my job doesnt want to work me so much.
Doctors have (as of 3 days ago) identified what's wrong. Fuctose mal-absorbtion (AKA the sugar that is in apples and a lot of fruits causes great complications with how i digest everything, so a lot of essentail amino acids just werent being processed) along with a bacteria in my small intestines. I'm on the proper treatment and diet now. However fructose mal-absorbtion is incurable... a life without sugar isn't uncommon.. I'll just have to learn to be without.

To add the little extra cherry of suck on to top it off: My ex who abused me, the guy i came on here over-- messaged me. Apologizing.
Yeah.
No what?
I didn't respond, I'm convinced the only answer he can produce is a lie. He's been out of my life for a very long time. Tend to keep it that way.

So then we have probably my most confusing aspect about myself: I'm attractive. (Ugh what a taboo, complicated thing for women in our culture) I have to admit it to myself eventually. But it weirds me out that just because i was born a certain way i have an advantage, a BIG advantage. And people much smarter, well thought out, creative, innovative and just better than me wont get the same oppertunities. I don't like this advantage, and I really, really, really, really, really really really really really really really really really really ****ING hate it when people do not listen to my thoughts or feelings because I am cute- or they do listen to it but with a side of wanting sex on the side.
I just want my thoughts heard and understood, can i get that without the side of you that wants to plow me please?
ugh.
makes me want to talk to no one. and then those who do approach me I dont know if they're hitting on me or wanting to be my friend. and then whenever i immediantly act one way I feel like a self-centered brat who likes to flatter myself into thinking everyone who approaches me wants to plow me.
bah.
But then i realize I really do hide a lot of my thoughts, a lot of signs that I'm intelligent from people. My managers have told me how surprised they were to find out I had a brain.
ugh... I guess... thank you? I just am generally giving up on wanting to be around people.. or atleast college boys. I do admit most the people i want to hang around is in their 30's.... mostly cuz they wanna hang out with me cuz of what i have to say- obviously not cuz of how i look.

So this whole issue I have with coming terms with the fact im attractive is wondering how to deal with two more complicated situations. This guy in one of my classes did not cease to hit on me, however he had some traits of a person i could chill/be friends with. I try to constantly stomp over all of his romantic gestures and play the friend card till I'm blue in the face. When he FINALLY gets the picture he's not getting anywhere, he flat out stops talking to me.
:/
Bah. so much for listening to my thoughts with actual interest. I'm 104 pounds, I AM NOT SEXY. I have NO TITS, no ASS, no HIPS- nothing. I'm an unattractive stick, and I don't even feel feminen. Im not super bothered by this-- but it's not like i have large boobies to distract him.
bah..
why can't we just be friends?

So then these close personal friends who are seemingly avoiding me, I finally talk to over the phone. Why is this person avoiding me, cuz he apparently wants me.
UGH NOT THIS AGAIN.
He wants me and he has a girlfriend (oh so now he's in my situation :P) and feels awkward speaking to me when having a girlfriend because how.. Ugh.. The man has basically done everything in his power to let me know that he is severely interested, so much so to even to use the phrase "<his GF's name here> doesn't even hold a quarter of a candle to you". Ugh. How can you be in a relationship with them then?!
Ugh. I love he's mature, this is why he's such a maginficant friend. bahh. I didn't ask for this. Especailly since I hung out with him and his GF when they got together and she dumped her boyfriend of like 5+ years to be with him.
Bah, he told me he shouldn't make a move on her before anything happened, and we both concluded when we parted that evening that he better not get romantically involved cuz he'd then have to fill out this huge expectation to not hurt her.
He did anyway.. he got into his relationship knowing it was probably a bad plan.
so..
bah.. So I guess this isn't my fault.
Even though he's mature, this does not prevent him from making faulty decisions. He is still human, and in reality, young. He is one of the few people I can -really- talk to though.. I think that's what I miss..


Everything this area has to offer me is in shambles.. So I'm going to take off to australia in july.
MELBORNE HERE I COME, BITCHES.

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