posted 02-26-2008 07:23 PM by
things that i wrote during school
this week and last week!
one... dont know when i wrote it
i think the 19th or something
Oh my ****ing gosh. I need to do it really bad. Kelsey is making everything about her, again. When I ened her or sumbody. I know I'm trying to seem like I dont care. I really do though. Way to much. And it hurts to know that he doesnt really care al all. I 'm shaking really bad and I need it. I cant keep it up. I cant take it anyymore. I know he sees it. Me shaking and sumtimes staring at my arm [his intials being carved on it] I hate sitting in this effin class. It gives me to much time to think about all this. I need him to be t here but I guess I'm not good enough and never will be. Which just maes me wanna do it even more. But I cant up on my ... because i have that stupid shot thing. I hate the feeling on my .... Its not the same. My wrist? Everybody can see it. What am I suppose to do? Nothing would not work. I cant try burning because I promised Lexi that I wouldnt. Why the **** should I not take a **** load of pills and down it with a shot of vodka? It would be fun. But I cant because of Michael...
the 20th would be the next one
Ok. I gave(sent) him a txt last night asking him if I should give him a note or not. He didnt answer. He also hasnt come up to me and told me to give it to him. And he hasnt acted like he even got those txts on Friday. Just like it never happened. I think I'm going to give it to him. It says why I do it, but I want to back. I'm not sure if he'll give it back to me. I guess it doesnt matter. I think I'll rewrite is so that I'll have a copy.
On to greater worries, Court **Screams**.. I dont know what to do. Usually I would have it all worked out in my head, the way I want things to go (maybe just a slap on the wrist?)
21st... now its this one
So I gave him that note! I told him to give it back to me but in AMerican History he said he isnt going too. I want it back so that I know he wont show anybody.. It said wayyy to much. Plus I think he girlfriend saw it ((GREAT!!!)) I'm not sure if she did tho but I hope she didnt.
dont know about this one-- the 22nd
It hurts. It hurts like hell. My pants are rubbing against them... and they are kinda fresh. AGH!!
7months ago from today. I've made it this far but I'm not sure that I want to go father. I sent Michael a txt last ngith saying I'm sorry and that he wont have to deal with me anymore. yea i meant it as a goodbye txt. He didnt send anything back. he didnt talk to me on msn. it hurts sooo bad. i feel like i hurt him in someway but i dont understand how. I dont get whats wrong with me. What did i do to deserve this hate? But then again what did i do to deserve his "love and caring"? the only thing i did was make his life a living hell by being here. he would be better off without me here. i want to tell him all of this but if i did, then i would breakdown and i dont want him to see me cry. Plus i'm sure he doesnt want to hear a ****ed up story from a ****ed up girl. i should just let him live his life. but where does that leave me? its way to selfish to say but thats the way I feel.
But what if he does care and just doesnt know how to show it? I should believe that because I know that family men... but if he does then iu wish he would show it. If he does it might help me to stop. I dont wanna stop but i would if he was actually there for me. But whats the point of evenm trying because when we move I know that im just gonna go back to it. Maybe i hsould tell him all this. Tell him Im moving and that we wont be realted that much longer. Tell him its his choice. Tell him I never meant to ruin his life with my ****ed up life. He was sitting next to me in American History yesterday. I could only feel coldness. I dont know if it was coming from him or the window. Maybe both. I dont know what I should do. Tell him all this stuff or just forget about it? But if I gorfet it then wouldnt I be forgetting me? Forgetting what I want or need or should I just put what Michael wants in front of me? Thats the way it hsould be. Hes more important to me. What he wants matters to me. Even if he doesnt want me to stop. Even if he doesnt want to be there. It still matters to me.
Why is this all about Michael? It shouldnt be but it should be at the same time. Or maybe I hsould forget about it----------------
I'm done talking about this
Why dont guys want me? (This is something I never talk about but I have to now) I want him but I know that he doesnt want me. I'm fat and ugly. I can at least get rid of some of it. Not all of it. But i can get rid of it by using two things. A toilet and a blade. Its not the best way to do it. But its the only way I know how. Maybe that makes me a major **** up. But what can i do? I cant just not do anyhting. I'm so use to it.
My friends-- well kayla moved and i miss her but yet i think its better that she did. for her sake....
Its on my arm. Created with a blade.
I usually find myself staring at it, wishing/hoping that he sees me. Just so he knows that I hurt b/c of him. Its not his fault, its mine but yea. I hurt inside b/c of him, yes, but I caused it. He had nothing to do with it. Great now Im sticking up for him when Ishouldnt be.
Why cant I sit here and pretend that everything is ok? He can, why cant i? I should be able too. I'm good at lying. I can pretend with everything else but not this. My friends know and they also know I'm lying about him. I need everything to be okay but its not. God is really testing my faith right now. I've asked him for hlep with MDC but he doesnt do anything. Its like he either 1. thinks that I can live without him (MDC) but in realitly I cant. 2. Hes ignoring what I'm saying.
back to what i was saying b4 that
Why should I stick up for him? Because I know the truth? Are you kidding me? Whats the truth? Well what I think first is becaseu I ruin his life. Thats what I want to believe (because the truth hurts) but the truth is he just doesnt care. And thats where I think well whats wrong with me were guys dont care at all? Where the guy that Im in love with (not mdc) doesnt want me all because I didnt want to have sex with him. It hurts alot more then I thought it would. I actually thought that i was getting over him becasue i deleted those txts off my phone. Nice wish there, huh?