View Full Version : express line to nowhere...

06-05-2005, 06:38 PM
Im not completely sure how this forum works...i would have never looked for it if it hadnt been for someone linking me the site...My life has never been easy,, and although we all say that at one point or another during our lives , i think ive had more than my share of bad situations.. I never had an easy childhood, with my fathers work demanding us to move around a lot, i never really got to make friends... as soon as i would feel so comfortable with my newfound friends my dad would be told we would be transferring in a few months..now it would be bad enough to move around to a bunch of different states..now imagine mving around america(the continent), thanks to my upbringing ,language was never a barrier since i was forced two learn to speak two languages at once...but still starting over every year or so demanded so much from me..every new place was full of expectations..to be the new kid aroud is never easy and having people around telling you how perfect you are doesnt help things...living up to standards is never an easy thing. Other than those adaptation issues my childhood could be considered normal...a few ups and down ..just like everyone else.
My whole high school experience is partly a blur..the moment that changed my life was when i was 17..always wanting to be accepted and afraid of being lonely (maybe cause i was an only child) made me wanna be part of the "in crowd" ,ive always been a nerd..but nerdish is never cool, so i started trying to make new friends and that was easy enough...i lost my virginity at that age to what i realize now was a date rape..i never wanted it..alcohol was involved and i was never the same after it. That day was the first time i purged myself...i felt so dirty inside and out..i thought id feel better after it. Being as dumb and naive as i could be, i was with that person again and only managed to end inducing my vomit til i could feel clean again...i have a tendency to beat myself up more than i should...i always wonder if it was partly my fault..no one pointed a gun to my head to take the drink..but ever since that time whenever ive felt used , unworthy or sad i would purge myself thinking it would make things go away. After a year or so i stopped, would only do it whenever i felt fat or ugly..or when i knew i had done something wrong..or just thought i had.
When i started college I was faced with a dilemma, choosing to persue my dreams meant being away from my family, i got hell from my mom for that, i felt so guilty about wanting to be on my own. I moved away..and started my new life..in the midst of all the changes i started skipping meals..i figured i could always lose a few pounds..skinnier is always sexier right?...i didnt notice i would sometimes go a couple of days without eating..then when i did i would pig out like i was never gonna eat again...right away id feel so sick and guilty that i started purging myself once more...it became a pattern..skip meals then eat way too much..vomit...skip meals again and so on..at the end of the year i had passed all my courses and i had also earned an ulcer... I was ok ..meds would ease off the pain and i could use the pain as an excuse to not to eat..or on the contrary sometimes i would allow myself to pig out since i hadnt eaten in a few days...it became my way of life..i mastered the art of vomiting..it didnt even gross me out anymore..bulimia or anorexia..i couldnt tell maybe a bit of both...but i could handle it..i always told myself i would never let it get out of control...everyone was doing it right? (or at least thats what i thought).
I purge myself when i get stressed, its my way of punishing myself...cause i blame myself for everything, what i should and shouldnt. I hadnt done it in a while... a long time..life moves on and sometimes you stop and start helping yourself ....other things or people that complete you make you stop as long as you feel like you are iving up to their expectations...i found the most amazing guy in the world and he always made me feel like i could do no wrong...at one point i realized i was full of wrongs...and i didnt deserve him..i made up so many lies around me and my life...i hid from him the fact that i have an eating disorder and eventually i completely stopped i was too happy to think about it...the lies never stopped though but the purging did...i tried to be someone i wasnt..i built this whole personna..a fake one..someone up to everyones standards...someone so perfect...flawless---someone who would be amazing and funny and beautiful..someone who could never do any wrong...it worked for over a year i was happy being someone else and he thought he was happy with me (or who he thought i was ) i went on this way til things in life started going wrong again...bad things happen ( karma maybe?) ..I thought i had my life in control..i guess i believed my lies too and maybe i just wished i was really soemone else..im not overweight..but i feel so unproper..so unworthy...so ordinary...i work healing people...trying to make them feel better yet i cant help myself ..my father is dying now...only has oine more year at the most...i heard that three weeks ago..and i started doing it again...over and over..til nothing comes out anymore..my throat gets sore kinda like a burning sensation..my tummy hurts and this time my meds dont work...to make things worse..my boyfriend found out my lies..the new ones since ive lied to him before..im lost now...i know i have to stop..but i feel so lost..im being pulled in a thousand different directions at the same time..i need to take care of my father..i need to finish school and i need to pay for hurting the most amazing guy a girl could want..someone so honest and special..who never deserved a f**k up like me...he sent me this link..he knows i need help..i know i need it too..theres so many things in my life that affect me and this has been the only i know how to handle it..this is my outlet..the worst or one of the worst i could pick...these might be incoherent to all of you..i doubt someone will read it..writing it helps...i need so much help but this is a start..i know ill stop completely i have to for me, for him..for everyone... and i hope i can start dealing better with all the pressures i have..i learned one thing today ..you cant flush problems away..but admiting you need help will definitely start blowing the dark clouds from under my head...an express line to nowhere...thats how i feel most of the time...but somehow i know theres a light shining all the way back there for me..and as soon as i reach it..ima go back on my path...whatever life throws a me...wont be easy it wont be fast..good things are always worth waiting for right?

06-07-2005, 04:19 AM
calm down hun...
admitting problems is never easy, specially if we have to admit it for those beloved ones... i will not say what you did was/is wrong or right. i relate to that. if your boyfriend sent you the link, it means he wants to help. talk to your therapist about it, hun. recovery is very difficult with the help of a therapist, without it, its overwhelming. im counting on my boyfriend to help me through it too like you, and im sure your boyfriend wants the best for you! take that help! the problems you are oging through right now will only make it worst. dont wait until you have lost everything to help yourself.