View Full Version : dating a person with anorexia
11-06-2003, 10:58 AM
Hey everyone, this is my first post here, hoping to not have many more if you get what i mean. although i personally dont have anorexia, i am dating a beautiful girl who has been suffering from it for almost 3 years. we have known each other all our lives, but i lost touch with her after public school and just recently got reaquianted and starting going out with her. i knew before i starting going out with her that she had an eating disorder, and that that was the reason her last boyfriend has left her. that was about 5 months ago. she went throught the summer in great condition, i thought she had made a full recovery, but then once she went back into school she became self concious around all of the people and refused to eat lunch, and then she began rarley eating supper. she ended up goign on house arrest for a few weeks. i was very worried about her, but she promised me she'd never be hospitalized again. and then she was hospitalized for 3 weeks. even though i have no idea what its like for her to go through that, i know now why her last boyfriend left her. the stress is unbearable. not knowing whether she's barely hanging onto life just because shes too damn stubborn to eat, not being able to see or talk to her for week after week, it was hell. she was recently discharged from the hospital, and she seems to be fine. shes put on weight and is eating plenty. but i can't bring myself to trust her after what happened. how can i be sure she's not making herself sick in the bathroom everytime she goes? or that she only eats around me to make me think she has a healthy eating habit? i cant... and i dont know what i should do. im a really simple kind of guy and i can't begin to understand what she has to deal with everyday. i've never given up on her though, i always let her know i have faith in her that she can get better, but lately that faith has been shaken. i love her so much, and i know it would be a cruel thing to leave her at a time like this when she needs someone to love her, but i cant see much of a future with her unless she leaves this illness behind. i know it sounds really selfish, which is why i cant bring myself to tell her how i feel. if anyone has any advice id love to hear from you. thanks.
11-06-2003, 11:35 AM
She is very lucky to have you in her life. And I pray that you both get through this. Its so hard to trust those of us with ED's sometimes becuase our thoughts are distorted. I was hospitalized a few times, the longest being 2 weeks. I've lost friends because of it, and I regret it to this day. Pelase dont give up on her. I know that its hard, but if its meant to be, you both will get through this together. Its very hard to watch someone you care about starve themselves. And sometiemst he hospital helps.I think that you should continue to support her, unless it becomes too much for you to bear. I wish tho, that i had someone like you in my life, as your girlfriend does. No doubt she leans on you for strength during the difficult tiems. Does she talk to you openly about her struggle?
11-06-2003, 11:55 AM
I want to hear the answer to Does she talk to you openly about her struggle? before I post a response because it will have a strong influence on my response.
11-06-2003, 02:42 PM
I understand what you are saying but I think that to overcome anorexia your girlfriend needs your support. I believe its pretty hard to understand person who has ED. Even when we want to get better its not that simple. Its not like you wake up one morning and decide that - thats it- I`m going to have nice big breakfast and afterwards lunch with dessert and dinner aswell and never think about it anymore. We can make progress only by having babysteps. Today I ate banana and a sandwich and drank light cola. For me it was progress. Someone who doesnt have ED it would be starving but I havent eaten so much for quite awhile.
You shouldnt pressure her to eat.
I hope you stay together and wish you both all the best and strength.
11-07-2003, 01:12 AM
i speak from personal experience. my boyfriend dumped me after i told him -- this was after we were engaged. i slipped into a major depression -- the kind you read about in medical books. i'm still getting over it and won't tell anyone now as a result. i was ready to get over it -- i was almost there. i needed someone to believe in me -- at least if i was going to marry him i needed him on my team. the shame was insurrmountable. i wish i could turn back the clock and errase my words. he didn't deserve my trust - he judged me though i never lied to him. you want advice? i don't know if i'm the one to give it, but i will tell you that i have been inalterably changed by the way he handled our break up. the take away for me is that i should have more shame than anyone would ever need to have. i was ready to let it go. and i'm not blaming him for my relapsing. i didn't deal well with his rejection. it's my own fault. but i'd say to try and see her through -- IF and ONLY IF she is ready to change. you cannot do it for her, please know that and it seems that you do. i think the question is fair and you're going to have to build trust with her again. but given how damaged your relationship already is, you'd have a trust curve no matter who you were with after this. i'm sure it's the same for my ex. i'm sure he looks at women now with more skepticism. he thought i was selfish -- that when i had an injury i was taking away from his life. that when i went and ran a marathon despite a pulled quad (because i was acting out my b.s.) that i was doing it to hurt him. he never understood. i tried so hard to explain, but the more i said, the worse his reaction became.
mums the word for me.
i wish you luck and patience. you're going to need it.
11-07-2003, 07:52 AM
I wish all of you peace and happiness. I'm sorry that you are all struggling. And i know how you feel. *hugs*
11-07-2003, 08:42 PM
to answer your question virus, yes she does talk rather openly about it with me. just tonight she told me that her weight is staying stable but her blood pottassium levels are slipping again, thats the reason she was hospitalized last time. she also told me that since she has been out of the hospital she has been making herself sick on a regular basis, and that worries me more than anything else. i almost feel like i have to be with her 100% of the time just to make sure she doesn't do these things to herself. i probably sound like her father right now but i don't know what else to say. thanks so much to everyone who replied you were all a huge help, just knowing theres someone else i can talk to about this.