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rotag
10-30-2007, 11:24 AM
Well.. as I mentioned in my birthday thread.. a rumor going around that I am using heroin again. My brother heard from my cousin who heard from so and so.. blah blah blah, that I'm using again regularly. It's all bull plop. When I relapse.. I always seek help. I've been doing soo good lately.. and it makes me angry that AFTER I quit using, people talk crap about me. I can kinda understand.. family.. wants the best for me.. I wouldn't be angry if I was using and people get concerned about me.

But anyways.. my brother already talked to me about it.. and last night instead of calling to wish me a happy birthday, he called to let my dad know the rumors that are going around. Great f'in birthday present huh? So me and my parents were talking.. and they are taking it like I am using, no doubt about it.. told me if I admit that I have a problem they'll get me help.. but if not, I'm getting kicked out... great.. lie and "admit" to a problem I havent had for the longest time, or get kicked out. I can't pretend that I have a drug problem, and I refuse to, just to have a place to live.

Despite this.. I feel free. I will be uninhibited from the go to college, get a job, blah blah life by the book type of life my parents are forcing upon me. I don't want that. I really don't. I know I am smart and can do whatever I want.. but.. I want a simple life. That will make me happier than I can imagine. I long for it.. I yearn for a simple life. I want to work the land. I want to raise and grow crops.. raise livestock.. live off the land. I know it will make me happy.. that is the type of life I yearn for.. simple.. I've always wanted a simple life.. freed up for the hassles of every day modern life.

If worse comes to "worse", I will be in contact with a few people here and they'll let everyone else know how I'm doing, how I'm making out.

I do have a plan.. I have two friends I definately can stay with :)

only in dreams
10-30-2007, 03:26 PM
i think you need to communicate as rationally and calmly with them as possible. explain to them honestly whats going on with you. dont get emotional cuz then it will seem like youre lying. it sucks to be in the position youre in, but dont let them hurt your pride. you should be proud of what youve accompished even if they dont realize it yet. keep going. they'll get it.

rotag
10-30-2007, 04:53 PM
The problem with rational and calm communication.. mmhm.. the people who know me best know I have a tendency to become volatile and unstable without medication. Another problem is that I am withdrawing from medication, so I am shaky.. I appear run down, I am feeling sick.. all of this VERY common with dope sickness... coming off of heroin.. so even though I have an excuse for it... my dad is the kind of asshole that will look beyond it to something that isn't there.

I've talked with a few friends.. and I've decided.. if I don't get kicked out.. I am going to move out. Sure, it is a risky move.. makes it look like I'm hiding something or running from something.. but to be terribly honest.. I have a huge lack of motivation here with a safety net. And also the life my parents are pushing on me.. the whole go to college and get a job and blah blah blah live your life by the book type of life.. I've come to recognize, I want something different out of life.. something so different.. and yet, so simple.

I do honestly believe my depression will be lessened if I take this lifestyle I yearn for. Now maybe the other symptoms I experience.. temporary lapses with reality.. wont be lessened without medication and without intense therapy.. but honestly.. I kinda enjoy the temporary lapses from reality and the dissociation. I like hallucinating.. I know that is kinda :s and I do need medication.. but I can live without for the time being.

I know pursuing this alternative lifestyle will make me infinitely more happy than any life I could pursue with a college education. I just want the simple things out of life.. that would make me the happiest :)

I have to talk to my two friends just to make sure I can move in with them and that.. but then I doubt I will be a regular presence on FTI, unfortunately.

only in dreams
10-30-2007, 10:59 PM
im glad we talked tonight. i think i understand a little better now..i think moving might be your best option. keep your head up. =)