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unseentears
10-12-2006, 11:49 AM
i cut today.
about 100 days without it
and i friggin cut.
i was doing pretty good;
why did i have to screw it up like i always do?
and i don't even totally know why i did it.
all these things add up and i keep hiding and covering them up
and then i couldn't take it anymore so i cut.
f***!

just me
10-12-2006, 11:57 AM
Dont worry! You went 100 days without cutting! Thats excellent!! Congrats!! This should be a great step in you road to recovery!

Its ok if you cut, Everyone relapses some times. So dont worry about cutting, we all relapse at times. Relapsing is part of recovery!

Just keep looking at the bright side, you went 100 days without it.

Sara1990
10-12-2006, 12:10 PM
I agree with just me. It's excellent u went 100 days without days without cutting. Nxst time it might be 150 days, then 200 and so one, the days would increase. Remember not everyones perfect, people mak mistakes.

unseentears
10-12-2006, 12:37 PM
thanx.
it just makes me pissed that
my friend who also cuts is all
mad at me and saying i have
more reasons than you to cut
but u dont see me doing it*grr*

adamcieslicki
10-12-2006, 12:38 PM
Dude 100 days is excellent.
Dont be so pissed off that you replapsed a little.
You can do it again I promise

just me
10-12-2006, 12:42 PM
Your friend doesnt no what makes you cut. Everybody has there reasons for everything they do.
Anyways if you ever want to talk or anything PM me anytime.
xx

traci
10-12-2006, 12:42 PM
Congradutions on the one hundred days without cutting. When you first quit there is always a good chance you could eventually relaspe now just focus on the bright side and move forward and try to go more then one hundred days without cutting. And you dont always f*** up, life is all about making mistakes and learning from them. take care.
Traci

adamcieslicki
10-12-2006, 12:44 PM
Oh and by calling yourself a **** up your not helping yourself either ok

unseentears
10-12-2006, 12:47 PM
thanx again, guys
its just...
now that i screwed up anyways
i feel like just cutting myself to pieces.
im kinda obsessed with the blood.
its weird i know. but ... i dont know...
it feels like im falling apart again.

adamcieslicki
10-12-2006, 12:48 PM
you dont have to cut yourself in order to feel good about yourself. We are here to talk to you, so come on, talk to us.
Love
adam

just me
10-12-2006, 12:49 PM
No it isnt weird. Just try distracting yourself. Read a book, Write a poem, stay on the comp. Were all hear if you want to talk!!

traci
10-12-2006, 01:02 PM
okay remember this, when you cut yourself it releases something in your blood which makes you feel good. Like the person said above find something to distract yourself or find something you truely into and that makes you happy. Remember always your not a screw or a f*** up, take care.
Traci

unseentears
10-12-2006, 01:02 PM
okay... u guys seriously wanna hear me rant and such?

just me
10-12-2006, 01:04 PM
okay... u guys seriously wanna hear me rant and such?

Yes...

-expecting and waiting for rant and such-

unseentears
10-12-2006, 01:05 PM
ok here we goes...

traci
10-12-2006, 01:08 PM
share however your feeling unseentears.
Traci

unseentears
10-12-2006, 01:09 PM
part 1

ive been having trouble w/ my bf
and i dont feel like i can talk to him about
anything important even though he is incredibly sweet and
my friends all hate him cuz he gets mad easy and they rthink
he will get violent and he did kick me once but idk...

and the teachers keep yelling there not even yelling at me
and i freak out cuz there can be a lot of yelling in my house
and u cant just tell a teacher to stop yelling

unseentears
10-12-2006, 01:17 PM
part 2

and i dont even know how i feel half the time and its just very confusing cuz i am me i should now how i feel right?

and i keep beating up on myself at school
i mean i get a's and b's but if i get an a+ but i
miss one question or make a stupid mistake
i call myself stupid

and the prozac isn't working

and i want to kill myself

and today someone said suicide and
si are stupid and disgusting ehich makes me
so mad that people judge even though they havent
been throufgh it themselves and i really want to inform
them and explain but that woul;d be suspicious and theyd call me emo and crap

and i feel very fat i want to be 80 pounds so that would mean losing 45 pounds

and its just that i dont understand me aso how can anyone else understand?

traci
10-12-2006, 01:18 PM
when you are getting yelled out my teachers take a deep breathe and relax and let your mind drift away. when your at home when all this yelling happens try to get out of the house or go some where were you can just forget everything thats happening around you.
Traci

adamcieslicki
10-12-2006, 01:20 PM
Try distancing yourself from all the stress around you, find a way to kind of blank it out. It works pretty well for me

traci
10-12-2006, 01:22 PM
part and today someone said suicide and
si are stupid and disgusting which makes me
so mad that people judge even though they havent
been through it themselves and i really want to inform
them and explain but that woul;d be suspicious and theyd call me emo and crap?

okay, unseentears. listen to me ive been there and trust me i cant stand that **** people say about being emo, suicidal, and when they judge any person. They arent good people if they judge you without ever getting to know you. they arent worth all your pain and angry. People are uninformed and are completely ingorant when it comes to this subject they will never understand until they have been placed in your or anyone else life. if you need me pm, okay.
Traci

unseentears
10-12-2006, 01:26 PM
part 3

and im on equitation (for those of you who dont know its a kind of horse riding)
and the way i found isi even exsisted was someone who i was on the team
with last year cut and wore t shirts so u could see the scars and i started 1 month aftyer i met her
i want to tell her that i cut too but i just cant

and when i screw up on a jump course i hate myself

and theres this 10-11 year old kid who is on the team and cuts and i was the first one he told
and his sister found out and took all of his sharp things but he still cuts... a lot. and it freaks me out

and riding is so triggering and yet it helps

and i cant think of anything good to write which scares me

and i really wanna cry but i cant i dont know why

i need a hug!

traci
10-12-2006, 01:29 PM
unseentears you would be considered a worse self critic you never think your god enough but deep inside you truely are and you got to discover that inside of you. and im giving you a friendly online hug :D
Traci

unseentears
10-12-2006, 01:30 PM
thanks so much to those of you that posted! :)
ill try the breathing thing...

thanx for making me post all my crap it helps just to write it all out.

traci
10-12-2006, 01:31 PM
writing or talking about your problems always makes it easier to deal. stay strong.
Traci

unseentears
10-12-2006, 01:31 PM
thanx for the hug!!!! :D

traci
10-12-2006, 01:32 PM
no problem i like hugs myself :D.
Traci

just me
10-12-2006, 01:33 PM
If you trust you judgement on your bf then you know he wont be abusive to you. If he is then dump him. He isnt worth it!
Just try and block the teachers yelling out. Its #1 in there job discription: Yell at every student...

Hunny if you get As and Bs in school, Its great!! If you make stupid mistakes, next time you will learn from them and try not to dio it again.
Just keep telling yourself "Im not stupid, i have worth, people love me, they care about me" Hopefully this will stop the suicide thoguhts. If you ever want to talk about it im hear, Were all hear!

Seriously, people who dont understand about self ingure and other problems, then they arnt worth it. They just dont understand. If theyve been through it themselves they would know what its like and they wouldnt do it! Just try and ignore them.

You are NOT fat!!! Hunny, your beautiful, you just need to realize this.

unseentears
10-12-2006, 01:41 PM
thanx!!! u guys rock! sorry gtg!~ (parents O.o)

adamcieslicki
10-13-2006, 01:03 AM
Yeah parents can be dangerous, they have the keys to the computer lol.
Cant really figure out how horseriding is triggering, but will think more on it anyway.
Just look after yourself.
Love
adam

unseentears
10-17-2006, 12:03 PM
horseriding---

1.when i screw up a jump course i hate myself hence need to cut

2.i didn't know cutting existed til i met someone who cut and was on my equitation team and i kinda got ideas

3.so many sharp things around i.e. hoofpicks, x-actos that are required to be in your tool box for rallys, knifes to cut the twine off the hay, bot knifes (dont ask), shedding blades, nails sticking out and loose hinges around the barn, horse shoe nails, the list goes on and on

traci
10-17-2006, 12:20 PM
tears maybe you need to take a break from horseback riding for a bit to make yourself better and stop cutting.
Traci