View Full Version : I finally understand why he did it !

09-04-2005, 11:19 PM
I've been seeing a therapist on and off since I got a Peace Order against him. The Peace Order Just Expired! Oddly that makes me feel free and strong, like if he leaves me alone now it's because its truly over and not because he's got the law standing over him. He did call twice, in violation of the Peace Order but he didn't say anything so that's nothing like it used to be, the Peace Order did give him time to cool off, thanx GOD!
I was sexually and physically abused by him for nearly 3 years. He's not an acquaintance, I tutored him in highschool but after graduation he refused to stop contacting me and that was only the beginning of what would be 3 years of hell and horror. When I went to therapy I realized I had blocked out alot, but all the pieces are almost back together. Even better, I'm starting to understand the 'Why' of him and me. 'Why did I not tell anybody about the sexual abuse, the murder-suicide threats, why did I hide the bruises with long-clothes or lies?' 'Did he realize how much he hurt me?' 'Did he like hurting me or was he just punishing me for trying to get out of the 'relationship' '? etc. I had so many questions in my mind I probably shouldn't have wasted so much time on them, but anyway I realize that I didn't tell anyone b/c I believed he sincerely loved me and because I felt protective of him, I didn't want him to go to jail, or get a criminal record and be known as a sex offender just because he was beating r*ping me. Really low self esteem there, but anyway I also realized by examining my memories of what happened that he did what he did to scare me into staying in the relationship but he didn't like what he was doing and eventually he did realize that what he'd done might have a long-term impact on me, even though he's still a evil bastard without remorse!
But isn't that so cool to finally be able to figure this stuff out !?!